As we anticipate our newest chapter, I have spent a lot of time thinking about my boys.  Their excitement, their impact, how they will adjust and what they will think about our decision to grow this family.  All of the emotions flood as life changes for all of us but especially for them!

To my boys,
I hope you know that you are enough!  Always were and always will be.  You were so enough that you opened my heart for more!  People often say to me "you got your girl"...that's not fair!!!  I didn't need a girl!  We didn't try for or expect a girl.  We got whatever it was that our hearts were open for and I promise to never take it for granted.  But you...I was fulfilled with you!  I was so whole with all that you gave me that I knew we were done!  Everything I probably never knew I wanted or needed was wrapped up in you!  The way you taught me about life, about patience, forgiveness, redemption, curiosity and most importantly all of the things you have taught me about love!  I swore after each of you that I had it all.  That I would never put myself through another pregnancy but both of you have enriched my life and my heart so much that I allowed it to open one more time.  I used to say “if God put a baby on my doorstep, I would gladly accept another”.  Instead, God took me through the lowest of lows and here is what that taught me about being a mom.  This isn’t about me.  This is all about you.  I was so lonely, so broken, and so isolated.  But I had you and you had me.  I spent a lot of time thinking about my life and my legacy and most importantly, I spent a lot of time thinking about you two.  About how you will always have each other and something inside me realized that maybe I was doing you a disservice by closing the door on more.  Maybe, just maybe, another precious life would be exactly what YOU needed one day.  That maybe, my loneliness was a wake up call to my own selfishness.

You deserve it all...and I begged the Lord to show me how to give it to you and how to spare you the emptiness that I felt.  The need to turn to someone but to have no one there that actually got it!  The need to feel connected without the lines being frayed.  I don’t want you to have to search for family..to yearn for a bond.  I never want you to feel at odds with your memories or to question your place.  I want you to remind each other and I hope that our newest addition is proof that you both were so great, that I just had to give you more.  More laughs, more memories, more snuggles, more stories, more support and more roots!

More of all of the things that matter and more of all of the things that made me whole, gave me purpose, and inspired me to truly live!  There is not a decision on this earth that doesn’t make me think of you first!  This new chapter was carefully thought out with you in mind, with you at the core and with you as the main focus!  This little lady is lucky to have you...I promise that without your greatness, your fulfilling ways and your ability to make me whole...there would be no her!  She is anxiously anticipated and fiercely loved because of you!  Because you showed me the power of precious miracles.  Because you were enough to let my heart open and receive another gift.  Because you were enough to allow me to feel fulfilled and more than enough to allow me to question my heart and want for more.  For me, for daddy, for this world but most importantly for you!!!

If your mom calls, ANSWER!

My mom called last night!  Sounds crazy to you but to me it was something that I had been begging for since May 14, 2017.  That was the first and only time that she spoke to me in a dream...not sick, not dying and not just a memory.  I remember that "dream" so vividly.  One where she knew all of the things deep in my heart.  All of the grief, the fears, the sadness and the uncertainty that I had been dealing with.  She gave me her sound advice and I followed it.  As usual, she was right.  It was so real and then it was gone!

After her death I struggled with awful nightmares.  Ones where I would wake up terrified to go back to sleep, I'd wake up screaming, tears streaming down my face and the experience would stay with me all day until it was time to meet the madness again!  For over a full year, I would dream about her death.  About the way she looked, how she struggled, the tubes, the cords, the machines and her body's response to what was happening.  The dreams were ugly and incredibly unforgiving.  I hated sleep and couldn't find an escape when every part of my being was tired.  I'm not an expert and my experience isn't special or groundbreaking, but for me, there has been a huge amount of trauma that was associated with what happened to my mom.  There are some things that you just can't "unsee".  In my limited experience, caring for someone on life support is not what you see on TV.  Some moments were peaceful and then there were others that will haunt me forever.  Those memories are the ones that I don't talk about to anyone.  The images and the description of what I experienced are a sure signal to the uncontrollable tears.  I can tell the story a million ways and I will always leave out the gruesome details...my job, my most important duty and final deed to her in those final days, was to ensure that she died with dignity regardless of what I had to do, see or feel...and she died with the most dignity that could have possibly been granted given the situation!  I'm working to be at Peace with that!

But last night....with almost 18 months in between our last connection...we spoke again!

I have the most precious voicemail saved from her.  It starts with "Hey Sweetie, it's me"...last night, a rather sleepless night, I finally dozed off around 6:30 am...I guess that's morning...it was my first deep sleep of the night so for me, it was still late night!  The phone rang and in the most lucid feeling while still sleeping it all seemed so real.  I was driving and "Mom" came over my bluetooth screen...I answered reluctantly...."Hey Sweetie, it's me"... exactly like the voicemail.  The one I have listened to over and over and over again.  The one I just let Aiden listen to for the first time the other day.  EXACTLY THE SAME.  Except this time the rest was different..."Teresa, you there?  It's mom"
Don't wake up, don't wake up, don't wake up....I was literally begging myself to stay asleep! She knew it.  It was like my subconscious, my conscious, my dreams and my reality were all in sync.

"Teresa, you will wake up but this is real.  Right now, this is real.  Talk to me." and so I did!  I hung on every single word.  She was there and I was back.  I had my person and we talked.  All of the things that I tell no one, I told her!  It was like we never missed a beat!  I had so much to say and yet half of it I couldn't remember once I awoke!  But in my dream, there was this odd feeling of reality that never left when I woke up.  It was real enough.  She knew enough.  I could speak freely, be me, vent, worry, boast and then beg...beg for the unreal to be real...because in a way it was so real.  She knows too much.  Our conversation will carry me through to the next one.  I'll obsess and replay every detail that I can remember, until she gives me more.  But her words will stay close to my heart because I know that's where she wants them!

Somehow, deep down I know how, but somehow she knows every intricacy of my mind and my heart!  Every quirk, every insecurity and every struggle.  All of the things that weigh me down that aren't worth talking about to anyone else, she already knew!  And still, somehow, she knew how to make it all ok.  Even if for just a second, it was all ok!  She was her and I was me...the way we should be!  Not the way the world made us through this process...we were just mother and daughter...chatting on the phone!  Best Friends!  Two souls that will forever be connected even if it is just in my dreams.  Everything is different but nothing has really changed!  I'll always answer her call!  Always have, Always will!!!

A little transformation...

A little transparency...

Y’all it’s been a while since I looked in the mirror and recognized myself.  I made Leif a photo book for Father’s Day and didn’t even recognize myself in the pictures from the past 2 years.  It was very hard to look through the moments captured and not hit the delete button.  But I know that one day I will look back and truly see how far I’ve come.  Yesterday, I was sitting in my car and the tears started to surge.  I’ll never forget a conversation that I had with Aiden.  It was about a year ago.  I was at the lowest of lows...struggling to get pregnant, I had gained 30lbs for unknown reasons, my hair was falling out rapidly and I was intentionally isolating myself from anything and everything that I once enjoyed.  Aiden crawled up next to me and asked me an innocent yet gut wrenching question.  “Are you ever going to be happy again?”  I didn’t have an answer for him.  So I did the only thing I know how to do...something I learned from my mom...I told him the truth.  Maybe a truth that was too mature but it was all I had.  The truth is I didn’t know if I would ever be happy again.  Full disclosure...I didn’t want to ever be happy again.  I didn’t think happiness could exist and why the heck would I want to be happy without my biggest fans, my parents, and specifically my best friend, my mom.  I had lost both my parents just a couple of months apart and I “buried” the best part of me with them!  I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw...I even hated the thoughts going on in my own head.  Believe me, I soldiered on with a fake smile...I kept so much hidden but yesterday something hit me while I was looking at one of my maternity pictures.  There was something there.  I can’t yet tell you if it is true happiness but what I can tell you is that it resembled someone I used to know.  I saw someone I hadn’t seen in a while...even if for just a second, I recognized her!  It was the strangest thing.  I saw a glimmer of the “old Teresa”.  Today, I couldn’t find her...I’ll let the pictures give me hope.  She’s still in there...by the GRACE of God...she’s somewhere in there!  I can’t wait to connect with her again!  Surely she’s different but if the look in her eyes comes back, maybe all wasn’t lost!  

Credit to the wonderful Annie Immello, for making me feel comfortable during this photo shoot.  Despite how I felt, she insisted I was gorgeous❤️  

This Journey

I keep thinking of this life as a journey.  A series of steps from one point to another.  A series in which there is no choice.  I have to move forward…there’s a current and it is unforgiving.  One step in front of the other and that is the only choice I have.  I am usually a huge advocate of taking any step…tiptoe if you must but take that step!  And now I find myself paralyzed with moving forward.  I’’m approaching an anniversary in time that I wish didn’t exist.  The after to my before.  The forever to my singular moment!  I have great expectations…I have goals and I have plans to make the worst year of my life a catapult to growth in development.  But I also have fear…paralysis, regret, sadness and uncertainty.  I have completely lost myself in the grief of losing my parents.  Yet I have also found this sense of responsibility…to finish the unfinished…to right the wrongs…to say the things that were unsaid!  I’m handling the last chapters of books I didn’t write!  It’s torturous and unfamiliar but I am just not sure where else I should rest.

  

I have taken a huge step in my life…I have decided to really let go and trust a grief therapist.  My heart…it’s completely broken yet all I have left. It’s guarded more than it ever has been. I have built a wall around myself.  It’s almost like nothing can hurt me…but I had a friend tell me that I was better.  “you aren’t a punching bag anymore”  “I’m proud of you” she said…it made me think!  She may not remember but it was chiseled in my mind.  a punching bag?  Was I?  How?  Have I lost myself or found something new?  My heart is different.  It’s tough…maybe marbled with a chill …my attitude has changed…I just can’t!  With the crazy, the drama, the blame, the pity…I just can’t.  Grief therapist number 3…maybe it’ll work out.  She had good insight…her goals for me seemed reasonable and for the sake of all that is Holy, she didn’t ask “how does that make you feel?”  Maybe she’s a keeper?  

i’ve spent 11 months, dreading September.  Isn’t there a Green Day song about September?  I have spent 11 months in a nightmare…a literal nightmare.  If I could have journaled every single night of my nightmares it would have become commonplace.  With the exception of another brief dramatic event in my life, the nightmares of my parents dying have continued.  For a full year…   I struggle to sleep….a few nights ago, after hours of trying, I was finally drifting.  At the point between awake and asleep I heard my mom.  Her voice was so loud and clear…not a dream, not a nightmare…just her voice!  I can’t remember what she said but that moment has been followed by nightmares….the same exact story!  She is dying and I can’t help her….sometimes she is intubated, sometimes vocal, sometimes she is actually at home…but every single time it is very clear…she will die!  I have no control!  She will die…today, tomorrow, at some point…my dreams don’t trick me…she always dies!  We’ve only talked once…that is not enough!  

  

Are you ready to move on?  A question that so many ask!  Let me answer this…simply…completely…unapologetically….I WILL NEVER MOVE ON!!!!  The void is huge.  Don’t compare!  Don’t tell me that time heals…I thank you for the love but don’t.  Don’t imagine what it’s like.  Don’t compare.  Don’t negate….I respect your journey and please respect mine.

  

September will come…ready or not…her date of death will come…and then her funeral date…and then my dads death…and his funeral…and then life turns the page on another year.  I have no say…i will move into year 2.  Another year of memories that I have no one to call.  Another year that I wish I could just call the one person that would be overly excited like me.  She was my person.  I was his baby…and her’s too!  Their boys, as they so lovingly referred to them as, will forget!  They are growing and excelling and loving me hard through this but they will forget!  They’ll forget the games grammy played on the tablet, the silly gifts when she came to visit…they’ll forget grandpas gardening skills, the golf clubs and his excitement for them to play organized sports.  They’ll forget!  Most people will…

It’s a part of the journey…I have no choice but to let it occur!

Time doesn't stand still...

Here we are...back to where it all started a year ago.  I usually look forward to our big vacation in Charleston and although I am ready for some good food and a low key week, I am hesitant of all that comes with it.  Our trip is a week later this year...last year, I talked with my mom multiple times.  She wasn't feeling well but it wasn't uncommon that we didn't talk multiple times a day while I was on vacation.  Leif isn't home much, so mom was overly cautious with interrupting family time.  I talked to mom on Wednesday and she was winded.  She wasn't  feeling well.  I told her to rest, don't over do it and to call me if she needed anything.  "I can leave in an instant" I said.  The next call I received was a frantic call from my moms best friend.  Long story short...once I hung up with her she called 911...she was that bad but wouldn't tell me.  Mom assured me she was fine.  I offered to cut my vacation short several times...she was insistent that I didn't.  Between that Thursday and her death, almost a month later, a novel was written.  A story to be told one day...just not right now.  From that frantic phone call on, life changed...my life was flipped upside down.  Everything is foreign and my tolerance for ignorance no longer exists.  I have lost every single piece of myself that is recognizable since this time last year.  I've lost most of my hair.  Gained over 30lbs and have lived from the 16th to the 16th of every month.  Another month without her...gone.  Time just really doesn't exist in these unfamiliar terms.  

Nightmares are common for me...in fact, a night without seeing my mothers dead body is pretty rare.  Insomnia has become my friend...we think together, plan together and sometimes we panic together.  But last night was different.  I struggled to sleep which isn't rare...but as I began to drift off to the point where your anxious thoughts meet an unfamiliar friend of relaxation, I heard a voice.  A very familiar voice.  It was my mom.  She said something profound...something I needed to hear from her but I hate myself for not leaping out of bed writing it down....it's lost on me now, but that sleepless night isn't.  I heard her loud and clear.  The rest of my night was spent analyzing her words until exhaustion took over and now my memory fails me.

So here I am.  About to relive Groundhog Day.  Knowing me, I will terrorize myself with every single memory.  Every word.  Every tear.  Every beep of that machine will haunt me.  It can't be a full year, can it?  The nightmare is on replay and there is no pause button!

Forgive me as I relive it.  And then 10 weeks later

I relive the sudden death of my father.  They say I'll get better.  They say it's a process.  What do they know anyway????  #sabolstrong

Maybe this is step 1...

And my life has changed…over and over and over again.  The past 9 months have forced me to ride a really interesting roller coaster that I am just not sure that I was cut out for.  I am a little over 9 months past my first real heartbreak in life…the death of my mom….my best friend!  10 weeks later my dad died!  Here I am…attempting this really crazy thing called grief….I have no idea what it means and trust me, therapy hasn’t given me any insight!  Do I tell it like it is, YEP!  I do!  Therapy hasn’t helped….at least at this point it hasn’t!  Dying is a business…one that maybe one day I can talk about but for now just know that the business of dying sucks….no one wins, strangers are shady and if there is any money to be had….Good GOD, help us all!!!  Apparently business is where my parents thought I succeeded and let’s just be real….I hate it.  I have run the estate like a well oiled machine but my heart has broken with every singe document I have filed.  Schedule 1, Schedule 2, schedule 3….all the way to schedule 8, 9, 10,11 and so on and on….no-one watches and no one cares that the paper work breaks your heart over and over and over again!!!    Overtime I try to take a deep breath yet I feel guilty…I am struggling big time.  Holding on to every single little thing that I can and completely regretting ever single second!  If I had it within me, I would shed light on the unfairness…10 weeks that separated 2 lives…2 people who made their mark in such different ways!  When your dad dies 10 weeks after your mom…no one cares…that’s not meant to garner sympathy!  That’s the truth.  The response is different!  He was a proud man, one that would want no pomp and circumstance….but he was my dad!  And I was his baby girl!   As I was standing at the front of the room at my moms funeral, holding the whole weight, in front of flowers galore, I watched my dad walk in.  He was different….he had quickly changed with his health but he was still my daddy!  I remember that day, that moment like it was forever sealed in my heart….I walked quickly to my dad….black dress and black heels …money not well spent!  A fortune on the damn shoes and that dress….hundreds upon hundreds of dollars spent on looking perfect…for her….I was representing her!!!  And trust me, she was watching and judging…that’s just her!  And when my dad walked in…changed…with his cane…I lost it!  I ran to him!  I hugged him so hard and I said to him….”you can’t leave me too”.  Everyone was watching and I have a strong feeling that they were thinking the same thing…”don’t leave her”…  He did! 10 weeks later… he was gone!  I held a bedside vigil for my mom and my dad was gone with a simple phone call.  9am on a Monday morning…BOOM!  That’s it!   I have spent a lot of time riding emotions…letting others feelings impact mine!  I have heard that my mom…to me…wasn’t the same to others….I have felt guilty .  There has been a weight that both of my parents laid on me.  Do this, do that, make sure this, make sure that….I’m one person!  And I just wonder when and where I can grieve!  Their baby girl…the one who was closest to them…am I allowed to grieve too???

I spend a lot of time not sleeping when I should be!  Some days I can cry really really hard and some days I stare at the wall!  I am broken.  Last week while sitting at the table with my boys I was suddenly startled out of thoughts…my 7 year old, Aiden, said “Mommy, what are you thinking about?”  I had to shake my head…as I do often!  I shake the thought, I shake the fear, I shake the memories….is PTSD an insult when you haven’t served in a war zone?  because I hate to say I have it….I close my eyes and I see a breathing tube, I see her legs moving, I see the suction, I see her tears as she begged the doctor to listen intently….she didn’t…I begged them too!!!   I can see the flight crew, the machines, the blanket they draped her in to calm her fever, machines, medication, life support measures…..and let’s be honest…I see her body laying there…after Jeanie said she was gone….flashbacks happen!  A LOT….They happen a lot….they are like freezing headaches….things I have to “shake” from my memory!  Those weird headaches…  And most nights I lay in my bed sleepless!  Afraid to sleep!  The nightmares are tortuous!   once in almost 10 months has she come to me to talk and calm me…otherwise she is dying…every single time, she is dying…my dad?  Not yet!   He’s given me a break, I guess!  But most nights I see my mom sick…she is always sick… we always know she is dying!  I am not sure why I say we…it’s me!  Sleepless!  Nauseous!  Terrified and let’s be honest…I’m exhausted!  I am haunted!  By her breath, by his….by the story of his last moments…by the way she squeezed my hand.   By almost 10 months of life that I have no one to tell about!  By the drama behind the scenes.  By the change in my normal.  The change in me…the way I have completely shut down!  No one can fix me!  But when Aiden asks what I am thinking about???  All I can do is just say that’ it’s not what you think!  “I have no idea”   Is it Grammy?” he says….is it????  I have no clue!  “Mommy, maybe it’s grandpa?”  “Yep baby, this time… it’s grandpa!  My daddy!  I was his baby girl.  Do you know how much that meant?”  Of course he doesn’t….no one does….because he died 10 weeks after my mom…my precious mom!!!!  The social butterfly died right before the quiet storm!  That’s not a great story to tell!  That wasn’t a fair deal…2 lives that were forever intertwined but desperately separate!  They shared me and my sister and those memories…2 daughters who are opposites but both caught up in moving on!  Because that’s what everyone says we should do right??? Move on???  You won’t find me on the other side…just won’t!

one step

I miss my blog.  I think about it often!  But I also have a life of crazy to deal with... and so my blog has been reduced to notes in my phone or on a scratch sheet of paper.  I'll be honest.  I struggle to sleep.  I have spent many nights laying awake in the bed, on the couch, pacing the floor and sometimes taking a few xanax in hopes that I can close my eyes and maybe function a few hours later.  Life doesn't wait.  grief doesn't wait either.  

May I?  May I tell you a story?  A story about the girl who is grieving?  A story about how no-one  wants to sit with the girl who is grieving.  It's not a sad story.  It's a true story.  A story about life and about experience....potentially the one you will never hear.  It's masked by life and by the perception of the "un-greived".  It's a story about 2 elephants.  2 big, huge, pink, dead elephants sitting in a room!  And then theres me....sitting on top of them.  I'm the girl whose parents died!  Hi...I'm Me...Teresa! I'm not weird or scary but my folks died...simultaneously...boom boom.  Yep, I said it....one died and then the other!  It's odd...it's uncomfortable.  You don't know what to say.  I get it!  I have no idea what to say either....but the looks, the avoidance, the people who see me out and turn the other way..,I get it!  

You can ignore me, you can move on, you can encourage me to resume my past life....to show up...to answer your call, your text...by God Teresa what happened to you???  I wish I knew.  

I've changed...and so have you.... you see me differently.  Dare I say "mom" or "dad" and you are instantly uncomfortable.  But that is exactly what I want to talk about....both mom and dad....2 people who loved me, believed in me, and gave me their all.  If you have ever liquidated your best friends life then please tell me...but...NO....I am not the same.  I never will be!  I have changed....I have a broader perspective.  I will never be the same...never!!!  I don't feel the need to explain.

  Are you back? they ask... No, and I never will be back.  I am different.  I am changed.  I am the girl in the middle of the room, trying her best not to draw attention to herself but the one who is sitting on 2 pink dead elephants in the room... Guess what??? they aren't going anywhere.  There are dead....they are huge...there is no way around them....Ya'll it happened!  Life continues for each and every one of you...my life is now defined by before and after.  Yet they sit there...dead!  It's not going to change and you will never know what to say!  

So, may I answer your questions???  NO....No, I am not ok.  No, I am not back.  I have no idea what i will feel in the next 15 seconds so I can assure you that I have no idea what I will feel tomorrow. 

Let me re-introduce myself....I'm Teresa!!!  Hi....the girl that no-one wants to talk to....the girl who is grieving and that is awkward.  I promise you that grief isn't contagious...if you bring them up, I won't self combust and guess what???  you won't die either!!!  But they will still exist...or at least their memory will...if I say their name, I promise you won't die too....you won't "catch it".

I have minimized myself to a liar.  Yes, I said it.  I am a huge liar.  "how are you?"  I will lie to your face...why?? well because the bottom line is that you really don't care.   That's a pleasantry....How am I????  I'm awful.  I'm struggling.  I wish it was me!!!...but let's be real...that's not what you want to hear...that's weird and uncomfortable.  The truth is silencing....it's a big fat pink elephant...it's obvious!  How could it not be?  But no one wants to talk about it.

Mom and Dad will sit here with me...I talk to them often!  I cry for them often!  I've changed!  I'll never be the same!  Some days my change is shocking and somedays I realize that life is a mold...it shapes you!  Without it....without real life, we are left to perception.  That can be scary...Perception isn't reality...it's what you make it.  Right now perception is experience and that's not mine to make!!  But I will ride...I'll take it!  I'll trust that GOD is leading me somewhere!  With my elephants...in one piece!!!