This Journey

I keep thinking of this life as a journey.  A series of steps from one point to another.  A series in which there is no choice.  I have to move forward…there’s a current and it is unforgiving.  One step in front of the other and that is the only choice I have.  I am usually a huge advocate of taking any step…tiptoe if you must but take that step!  And now I find myself paralyzed with moving forward.  I’’m approaching an anniversary in time that I wish didn’t exist.  The after to my before.  The forever to my singular moment!  I have great expectations…I have goals and I have plans to make the worst year of my life a catapult to growth in development.  But I also have fear…paralysis, regret, sadness and uncertainty.  I have completely lost myself in the grief of losing my parents.  Yet I have also found this sense of responsibility…to finish the unfinished…to right the wrongs…to say the things that were unsaid!  I’m handling the last chapters of books I didn’t write!  It’s torturous and unfamiliar but I am just not sure where else I should rest.

  

I have taken a huge step in my life…I have decided to really let go and trust a grief therapist.  My heart…it’s completely broken yet all I have left. It’s guarded more than it ever has been. I have built a wall around myself.  It’s almost like nothing can hurt me…but I had a friend tell me that I was better.  “you aren’t a punching bag anymore”  “I’m proud of you” she said…it made me think!  She may not remember but it was chiseled in my mind.  a punching bag?  Was I?  How?  Have I lost myself or found something new?  My heart is different.  It’s tough…maybe marbled with a chill …my attitude has changed…I just can’t!  With the crazy, the drama, the blame, the pity…I just can’t.  Grief therapist number 3…maybe it’ll work out.  She had good insight…her goals for me seemed reasonable and for the sake of all that is Holy, she didn’t ask “how does that make you feel?”  Maybe she’s a keeper?  

i’ve spent 11 months, dreading September.  Isn’t there a Green Day song about September?  I have spent 11 months in a nightmare…a literal nightmare.  If I could have journaled every single night of my nightmares it would have become commonplace.  With the exception of another brief dramatic event in my life, the nightmares of my parents dying have continued.  For a full year…   I struggle to sleep….a few nights ago, after hours of trying, I was finally drifting.  At the point between awake and asleep I heard my mom.  Her voice was so loud and clear…not a dream, not a nightmare…just her voice!  I can’t remember what she said but that moment has been followed by nightmares….the same exact story!  She is dying and I can’t help her….sometimes she is intubated, sometimes vocal, sometimes she is actually at home…but every single time it is very clear…she will die!  I have no control!  She will die…today, tomorrow, at some point…my dreams don’t trick me…she always dies!  We’ve only talked once…that is not enough!  

  

Are you ready to move on?  A question that so many ask!  Let me answer this…simply…completely…unapologetically….I WILL NEVER MOVE ON!!!!  The void is huge.  Don’t compare!  Don’t tell me that time heals…I thank you for the love but don’t.  Don’t imagine what it’s like.  Don’t compare.  Don’t negate….I respect your journey and please respect mine.

  

September will come…ready or not…her date of death will come…and then her funeral date…and then my dads death…and his funeral…and then life turns the page on another year.  I have no say…i will move into year 2.  Another year of memories that I have no one to call.  Another year that I wish I could just call the one person that would be overly excited like me.  She was my person.  I was his baby…and her’s too!  Their boys, as they so lovingly referred to them as, will forget!  They are growing and excelling and loving me hard through this but they will forget!  They’ll forget the games grammy played on the tablet, the silly gifts when she came to visit…they’ll forget grandpas gardening skills, the golf clubs and his excitement for them to play organized sports.  They’ll forget!  Most people will…

It’s a part of the journey…I have no choice but to let it occur!

Time doesn't stand still...

Here we are...back to where it all started a year ago.  I usually look forward to our big vacation in Charleston and although I am ready for some good food and a low key week, I am hesitant of all that comes with it.  Our trip is a week later this year...last year, I talked with my mom multiple times.  She wasn't feeling well but it wasn't uncommon that we didn't talk multiple times a day while I was on vacation.  Leif isn't home much, so mom was overly cautious with interrupting family time.  I talked to mom on Wednesday and she was winded.  She wasn't  feeling well.  I told her to rest, don't over do it and to call me if she needed anything.  "I can leave in an instant" I said.  The next call I received was a frantic call from my moms best friend.  Long story short...once I hung up with her she called 911...she was that bad but wouldn't tell me.  Mom assured me she was fine.  I offered to cut my vacation short several times...she was insistent that I didn't.  Between that Thursday and her death, almost a month later, a novel was written.  A story to be told one day...just not right now.  From that frantic phone call on, life changed...my life was flipped upside down.  Everything is foreign and my tolerance for ignorance no longer exists.  I have lost every single piece of myself that is recognizable since this time last year.  I've lost most of my hair.  Gained over 30lbs and have lived from the 16th to the 16th of every month.  Another month without her...gone.  Time just really doesn't exist in these unfamiliar terms.  

Nightmares are common for me...in fact, a night without seeing my mothers dead body is pretty rare.  Insomnia has become my friend...we think together, plan together and sometimes we panic together.  But last night was different.  I struggled to sleep which isn't rare...but as I began to drift off to the point where your anxious thoughts meet an unfamiliar friend of relaxation, I heard a voice.  A very familiar voice.  It was my mom.  She said something profound...something I needed to hear from her but I hate myself for not leaping out of bed writing it down....it's lost on me now, but that sleepless night isn't.  I heard her loud and clear.  The rest of my night was spent analyzing her words until exhaustion took over and now my memory fails me.

So here I am.  About to relive Groundhog Day.  Knowing me, I will terrorize myself with every single memory.  Every word.  Every tear.  Every beep of that machine will haunt me.  It can't be a full year, can it?  The nightmare is on replay and there is no pause button!

Forgive me as I relive it.  And then 10 weeks later

I relive the sudden death of my father.  They say I'll get better.  They say it's a process.  What do they know anyway????  #sabolstrong