Pirate Aiden

Come set sail on an adventurous tour,
Pirate Aiden is turning 4!!!

While Aiden doesn't actually turn 4 until Sunday September 1st, I decided that with hassle of labor day I would go ahead and have his birthday party a week early.  Those that know me know that I love to host...a cookout, a BBQ, or a birthday party...I love to organize events and I always do things BIG!  I actually get anxiety at the thought of not being in control of organizing my kids parties...weird, I know! I blame the OCD!!!

I usually have lots of time to prepare but with Leif deployed most of my preparing was done with the kids attached to me or in the 3 days leading up to the party when I had some extra help!  Needless to say, I got everything done and I have so many people to THANK for their time and countless offers to pitch in.  You know who you are so THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!

Now to the party...Aiden wanted a pirate pool party!!!!  DONE!!!

This adorable cake was made by my talented neighbor

AAARRRGGGG

Daddy was there in spirit!!!

Pirate transformation party favors...

FOOD!

Fruit Swords

Pirates Teeth

These boys keep me going

My boy!

MYO pirate map and kiddie corner :-)

Grandpa made it

Getting in the spirit!

My emotions got the best of me...

A bittersweet moment...1st birthday party without Daddy!

Birthday boy!

Everyone was getting in the spirit!

Pirate Roli :-)

Pirate Jackson

My family

Siblings :-)  Life is short...we stick together!

The day was absolutely wonderful.  We really missed Daddy and my emotions got the best of me a few times...what can I say, I am only human!  Aiden asked multiple times if Daddy would be at his party...although he couldn't be there physically, I could definitely feel him there with us!  His heart was there and I know it tore him up to not be there!  We are so thankful for all of the people who were there and who have been behind us 100%!  Aiden was so excited....especially about the cupcakes...

I really can't believe that my baby boy is almost 4!  He is such an amazing "little man".  He amazes me everyday with his compassion, creativity, kindness and bravery!  I really could go on and on...but I will save that for his birthday!!!  The party was a blast...we are truly blessed with the most amazing and supportive friends and family!!!!  Thank you for celebrating with us and for making Aiden's day so memorable!

A ship in port is safe...

"A ship in port is safe; but that is not what ships are built for.  Sail out to sea and do new things."--Grace Hopper

We have almost approached the 2 week mark since we sent daddy on his way and while that is certainly no huge milestone or countdown, it is progress and we settle into a new normal a little more everyday!

Both Leif and I agree that the send off was the hardest thing we have ever done.  Mainly because it is so hard to explain this journey and time apart to an almost 4 year old and a 4 month old!  Some days I have a hard time understanding it but i know that my frustrations are completely selfish and I really can handle this! So much will change over the next 8-10 months and we both know, like it or not, all of us will change during this deployment!

The morning of the send off we decided to head into the ship for breakfast with Daddy which meant we were all up at 4:30 and out the door by 5.  The ride to the ship was quiet...what do you say to your husband when you know you won't see him for a very long time!  All we could do was hold hands and hold back the tears!  In our hurry to get out the door so early we forgot to pack Aiden's shoe so Daddy had to carry him down the pier...darn ;-)

Once on the ship Daddy changed Into his whites and we had "breakfast" in the Ward Room...we headed back to Daddy's stateroom where Leif asked me a HUGE favor..."please do your best not to cry on the pier...let's hold our tears for when I get you back to the car". Although this may seem like an extreme request I completely understand...Leif is in a leadership position and wants to lead by example.  Keep morale high even on the hardest days, even when saying farewell to your wife and small children...they have a job to do and Leif wanted to keep his composure as an example to his "guys".  I highly respect that and as painful as it was, I obliged!  

As we walked down the piers and I saw moms, sisters, wives, kids, and even Dads crying, grown men and women, in uniform with swollen eyes torn between family and duty.  I bit my lip and swallowed the lump in my throat multiple times!  My eyes welled underneath my sunglasses but I blinked the tears away as fast as I could!  Once we approached the car I couldn't hold it in any longer...we both shed our tears and hugged and kissed as a family.

And Leif took a moment, as a father, to speak to and love on each boy!

He put them both in their carseat...Aiden an almost 4 year old and Easton a 4 month old...knowing he would come back to a more mature almost 5 year old and his baby boy would be a toddler and probably walking!  No longer a baby!

And then it was just us...Leif and Teresa...the couple...the way it all started.  For a short moment we were just two crazy kids in love...having our hearts separated, not by choice, but by duty and in my opinion, by honor!  There was so much I wanted to say but none of it seemed appropriate.  I wanted to sob in his arms and beg him to stay.  I just wanted to say "don't leave us" but how fair is that?  It's not a choice...we were called to serve...and he does it with so much more Grace than I!  I wanted to say "we can't do this without you"...but that's a lie.  We can and we will...I just don't want to!  So I said what I thought he wanted to hear...it is the truth as much as I don't want it to believe it "we can do this, we will be ok...you focus on your job and I will focus on our family and everything here on the home front will be fine."  "Do not worry about us and PLEASE BE SAFE". 

As he closed the door the tears became stronger...I gave myself a minute to let it out full force and then I put the car in reverse and headed for home...as we pulled away from the pier my car was silent.  I reached back and grabbed Aiden's bare foot, "Aiden, I am so proud of you for being so brave".  "Yes but I miss Daddy already". And the tears began again...

Tick tock...

Deployment time is knocking on the door and we are trying to be as prepared as possible and really make the most of our time with Daddy!

Some days I feel like my mind is a 1000 piece puzzle and I am desperate to find my 4 corners to make some sense of the madness!  I am pretty sure my "to-do" list will never end and I will continue to "provide" for Leif even when he is on deployment!  I am certain his shopping options are limited on a war ship :-). Along with my never ending list of things to do, I am dealing with some crazy emotions.  Some are selfish (what about me?) and some are heartbreaking (what about my kids?)!  Aiden asked the other day if "daddy was leaving forever"...NO!  But it is sure going to feel like it.  I am not 3 and I am having a hard time with it so I can only imagine what his little heart and mind are feeling!

I have done really well being strong and supportive but tonight I just couldn't stop the flood of tears.  I am not sure what it was...maybe I am overwhelmed with all of the "puzzle" pieces, maybe I am tired, scared, stressed, anxious, nervous????  Maybe it was the fact that Aiden looked at me tonight with Leif standing right next to him and said "mommy, is Daddy going to come home tomorrow?" Its likehe couldn't   bear to hear the news from Leif  so he asked me but I just felt a lump in my throat!  I don't want to answer those questions.  There are days where I can handle it and days where I can't!  Sometimes I feel like supermom and others I am just super scared!  I just don't want him to go but he is going!  I have to remind myself of a conversation I had with Aiden in the grocery store.  There is a difference between what we want and what we need!  Although we may want 5 boxes of fruit snacks, we don't need them!  I certainly don't want to recap my children's life in a daily email, I don't want Leif to watch them grow up through pictures I send each day, I don't want Easton to one day say "who is daddy", I don't want to have to hold my little boy as he sobs for Daddy...but I will because Leif needs me to!  I will complete the puzzle here on the home front because I need to for the sake of my family...I may not like it, enjoy it, or want to do the dirty work but I will do the best damn job I can...be mommy and daddy, snuggle and punish, teach them to be tough and kiss boos boos when needed...whatever it takes until Daddy gets home...

  

Tugging on the heartstrings...

As we approach deployment in just a matter days I find myself struggling with so many different emotions.  I find myself trying to prepare and analyze every little thing when the reality is, I might as well just throw a deck of cards into the air and see what lands where! Regardless of how much I prepare for this, one thing is for sure...my heart is not ready...and never will be!

Tonight at bedtime Aiden wanted me to put him down.  I explained to him that Daddy wanted to do it because he wasn't going to see him for a long time.  After trying to explain to him the concept of a year and months and distance and why we wouldn't be able to see daddy and why he can't just come home, Aiden said this..."mommy, when daddy is gone I don't think that I can talk about him". My response: "why". His:  "well because I know I will miss him too much so maybe I can just dream about him"...BROKE. MY. HEART!!!

We will dream about him, talk about him, think about him, and plan for his return!!! With each card I am dealt, I will figure it out!  But for tonight...he changed his mind and Daddy to put him to bed!

Thoughts on Friday!

There is so much going on in our lives right now.  So many things that I never want to forget and a few storms that I can not wait to pass!  Life isn't perfect but the good always out weighs the not so good!

While Leif was out for June, the boys and I took a little get away to see some friends and family.  It was the first time all of my friends met Easton and it was so nice of them to all make such an amazing effort to come meet our "little" guy!

I was able to attend my niece Kassidy's award ceremony where she received the top award...the words of her teacher left us all in tears....she is such an amazing young lady!

I was able to spend the day with my 2 favorite girls...there is nothing like playing with your cousins...I am thankful that my family feels the same way...we may not always see eye to eye but we are mature enough to look past our differences for the sake of our children!

The friendships I have are so amazing...My girl Christy and I have been friends since we were 8 years old.  Time and distance have been no match for our friendship!  I was so glad that I could attend her 30th birthday!  Given the chance, I would do anything for my real friends!!!

I took this picture the other day...there are so many things about this that I love.  His sweet innocence!  The chunky "michelin man arms".  The fact that he is sucking his thumb.  His sweet little belly.  How peaceful he is....THOSE CHEEKS!  I really can't believe how blessed I am....

These precious moments will fade quickly...Moments between brothers...the love and protection that Aiden shows for Easton.  The hugs, laughs, snuggles and silly faces!  I know that there will come a time when these laughs will turn to nagging little arguments but for now I cherish each and every beautiful moment between brothers

...even the questionable ones.

Summertime=pooltime....I am so proud of how far Aiden has come with his swimming!  My boy is fairly timid and to say that he is a fish in the water is a complete understatement!  This boy is obsessed with swimming!  Go Aiden Go!

I AM GOING TO MISS THIS MAN MORE THAN WORDS COULD EVER SAY...

The feelings that go along with deployment are tough...it's hard to enjoy these last few weeks together knowing that he will be leaving soon and will be gone for close to a year.  How do you enjoy a vacation that you are only taking because your husband is about to leave and travel into harms way????  I will miss him for so many reasons but everytime he comes home I am reminded that with or without kids...we still have it!  He still makes me laugh and I still get excited to see him!  I love him and need him not just for the help he gives me with the kids but also for the way he makes me feel about ME!!!!

Each of us has our own beliefs...I believe in the power of prayer...you may not!  Whatever you believe, may I ask a favor?  Please keep Aiden in your thoughts and/or prayers next week.  Right now we do not have a lot of details that we are ready to share but we are certainly praying for the best.  We will keep all of our loved ones updated once there is information to share but in the meantime just please pray for our sweet boy and for the best news possible during this stormy weather!

Happy Father's Day

We had an unconventional Father's Day considering Leif is out to sea and my dad has a weekly date with the golf course which I can not compete with...never have and never will be able to get him off the course!  So it was just me and the boys...ya know something a little different :-)

We got up early and checked out a new church, came home, made lunch, and spent over 3 hours at the pool! 

The best part of the day was a phone call from Leif.  It was so nice to hear his voice and to be able to wish him a Happy Fathers Day!  Although this is hard for us, I can't imagine how hard it is for him to have chosen such a selfless career, thrive at it, but ultimately have to sacrifice family time and memories for the sake of that career!  I can hear the stress, guilt, and worry in his voice and it breaks my heart!  He is such an amazing man and father.  He is supportive, helpful, thoughtful, and involved!  We are so blessed to have him and I am incredibly proud to be his wife!

BUT...yes, there is a "but"!  More and more I can see how this isn't for the weak!  I am incredibly sensitive and Unfortunately I have passed that on to Aiden!  Kids will be kids and they really don't understand but sometimes innocent observations can really hurt! 

Today at the pool a little boy said to Aiden "you can't go into the deep end because you don't have a daddy to go with you".  He obviously meant nothing by it, but it really got to me and I could see the light disappear from Aiden's face.  He was crushed!  Of course he has a daddy..in fact he has the best daddy ever!  I wanted to cry...for him, for me, for Leif, and even a little for the kid who has no idea how awesome Aiden's daddy is and really no idea how lucky he is to have his daddy in the deep end to catch him every day!

I did my best...I played Daddy in the deep end as often as I could!  I rocked Easton to sleep and caught Aiden as he jumped off the side...pushed "E" in the stroller and back into the pool with Aiden!  We had a really fun day and really made the most of a beautiful day...I may or may not have shed a few tears beneath my sunglasses...I'm only human!  I'm strong but sometimes very weak...I am all about life lessons but also torn between being real and being overprotective!  One of these days I will have more answers but right now I have a ton of questions and uncertainties!  One thing is for sure, my boys have am amazing daddy.  I pray that they are just like him when they get older...if my prayers are answered then all of the unanswered questions are worth it!