Happy 4th Birthday

It is really hard to grasp the fact that my boy is 4 years old.  I feel like it was just last week we were bringing him home...Leif and I reminisced the other night on the phone about that day...the one thing that we both remember is how we came home, introduced Aiden to Buddy and then we both cried...yes, we cried!  Happy tears, tears of fear, uncertainty....tears that said "what do we do now?".   Now here we are, 4 years later...by far the most amazing 4 years of my entire life.
Aiden is really the sweetest, most compassionate, animated, smart and loving little boy.  There is not a day that goes by that he does not say something that completely amazes me.  Now don't get me wrong, Aiden can throw an all out temper tantrum with the best of them, but those moments certainly do not define him and thankfully are pretty rare.  He cares about peoples feelings, he is honest with his emotions, and he aims to please!

Here's what 4 years old looks like on Aiden Ellis...

He is a whopping 33lbs and 39 inches tall.

Some days he is a ninja turtle...

Others he is a superhero...

Batman???

An adventurer...

Such a great helper...

Aiden's imagination completely blows my mind.  He thinks of the most creative ways to play, builds complicated contraptions, and will go on and on with the stories he makes up as if they are completely reality.

He is truly the greatest big brother ever...I couldn't have asked for a better brother for Mr. E!

Sometimes Aiden likes to make up his own words...right now my favorite is "hish'  which is push and hit morphed into one..."Mommy can I hish the button in the elevator"...it's not proper but I just love it.
He is rambunctious, energetic, and incredibly tough.  But one thing he is not is a thrill seeker.  THe boy does not like things to go too fast...other than him in his super fast shoes after he pushes the turbo button.  Put him on a swing and do a really big underdog and he is OVER it!  He does not like the drop in his stomach!  He is also attached to me...some of that has to do with Daddy being deployed and some of that has to do with that fact that I am so much fun to be around...just kidding!  In all seriousness though he never wants me to leave for any reason...phew!

Clinging to my leg...

There are so many cute things about my boy...but the one thing I am most proud of is his heart...it's big and wide open to others feelings.  Tonight as I put him to bed he said "Mommy can I tell you something really quick?"  Sure...he whispers in my ear "you're my precious sweetie"....MELTS MY HEART!!!

My sweet Aiden,
My love for you is like nothing I ever thought possible.  You have taught Daddy and I what it means to love someone selflessly and unconditionally!  There is not one thing that I would not do for you!  Being your mommy (and Easton too) is my number 1 priority!  I am so proud of the little "man" you have become.  You have had so many unique and challenging experiences in your life and you continue to amaze me with your ability to just go with the flow, your bravery, and your willingness to accept change.  I thank God every night for letting me be your mommy!  You are with out a doubt the greatest gift of my life!  From the moment the doctor said "your pregnant" until now I have felt so incredibly blessed and fulfilled.  My heart is so full because of my love for you!  You literally grabbed a hold of my heart before you were born and now you have it tightly in your hand. You are my favorite ninja turtle, the ultimate superhero, and my best bud.  Mommy and Daddy love you more than anything in the whole wide world...and you, my love, make Easton smile bigger than anybody and belly laugh like no one else can...a true sign of his love and admiration for you!  I can't help but feel sad for every year that passes but incredibly excited for the journey to come!  Happy 4th Birthday Sweet Boy!!!  I love you!

Pirate Aiden

Come set sail on an adventurous tour,
Pirate Aiden is turning 4!!!

While Aiden doesn't actually turn 4 until Sunday September 1st, I decided that with hassle of labor day I would go ahead and have his birthday party a week early.  Those that know me know that I love to host...a cookout, a BBQ, or a birthday party...I love to organize events and I always do things BIG!  I actually get anxiety at the thought of not being in control of organizing my kids parties...weird, I know! I blame the OCD!!!

I usually have lots of time to prepare but with Leif deployed most of my preparing was done with the kids attached to me or in the 3 days leading up to the party when I had some extra help!  Needless to say, I got everything done and I have so many people to THANK for their time and countless offers to pitch in.  You know who you are so THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!

Now to the party...Aiden wanted a pirate pool party!!!!  DONE!!!

This adorable cake was made by my talented neighbor

AAARRRGGGG

Daddy was there in spirit!!!

Pirate transformation party favors...

FOOD!

Fruit Swords

Pirates Teeth

These boys keep me going

My boy!

MYO pirate map and kiddie corner :-)

Grandpa made it

Getting in the spirit!

My emotions got the best of me...

A bittersweet moment...1st birthday party without Daddy!

Birthday boy!

Everyone was getting in the spirit!

Pirate Roli :-)

Pirate Jackson

My family

Siblings :-)  Life is short...we stick together!

The day was absolutely wonderful.  We really missed Daddy and my emotions got the best of me a few times...what can I say, I am only human!  Aiden asked multiple times if Daddy would be at his party...although he couldn't be there physically, I could definitely feel him there with us!  His heart was there and I know it tore him up to not be there!  We are so thankful for all of the people who were there and who have been behind us 100%!  Aiden was so excited....especially about the cupcakes...

I really can't believe that my baby boy is almost 4!  He is such an amazing "little man".  He amazes me everyday with his compassion, creativity, kindness and bravery!  I really could go on and on...but I will save that for his birthday!!!  The party was a blast...we are truly blessed with the most amazing and supportive friends and family!!!!  Thank you for celebrating with us and for making Aiden's day so memorable!

A ship in port is safe...

"A ship in port is safe; but that is not what ships are built for.  Sail out to sea and do new things."--Grace Hopper

We have almost approached the 2 week mark since we sent daddy on his way and while that is certainly no huge milestone or countdown, it is progress and we settle into a new normal a little more everyday!

Both Leif and I agree that the send off was the hardest thing we have ever done.  Mainly because it is so hard to explain this journey and time apart to an almost 4 year old and a 4 month old!  Some days I have a hard time understanding it but i know that my frustrations are completely selfish and I really can handle this! So much will change over the next 8-10 months and we both know, like it or not, all of us will change during this deployment!

The morning of the send off we decided to head into the ship for breakfast with Daddy which meant we were all up at 4:30 and out the door by 5.  The ride to the ship was quiet...what do you say to your husband when you know you won't see him for a very long time!  All we could do was hold hands and hold back the tears!  In our hurry to get out the door so early we forgot to pack Aiden's shoe so Daddy had to carry him down the pier...darn ;-)

Once on the ship Daddy changed Into his whites and we had "breakfast" in the Ward Room...we headed back to Daddy's stateroom where Leif asked me a HUGE favor..."please do your best not to cry on the pier...let's hold our tears for when I get you back to the car". Although this may seem like an extreme request I completely understand...Leif is in a leadership position and wants to lead by example.  Keep morale high even on the hardest days, even when saying farewell to your wife and small children...they have a job to do and Leif wanted to keep his composure as an example to his "guys".  I highly respect that and as painful as it was, I obliged!  

As we walked down the piers and I saw moms, sisters, wives, kids, and even Dads crying, grown men and women, in uniform with swollen eyes torn between family and duty.  I bit my lip and swallowed the lump in my throat multiple times!  My eyes welled underneath my sunglasses but I blinked the tears away as fast as I could!  Once we approached the car I couldn't hold it in any longer...we both shed our tears and hugged and kissed as a family.

And Leif took a moment, as a father, to speak to and love on each boy!

He put them both in their carseat...Aiden an almost 4 year old and Easton a 4 month old...knowing he would come back to a more mature almost 5 year old and his baby boy would be a toddler and probably walking!  No longer a baby!

And then it was just us...Leif and Teresa...the couple...the way it all started.  For a short moment we were just two crazy kids in love...having our hearts separated, not by choice, but by duty and in my opinion, by honor!  There was so much I wanted to say but none of it seemed appropriate.  I wanted to sob in his arms and beg him to stay.  I just wanted to say "don't leave us" but how fair is that?  It's not a choice...we were called to serve...and he does it with so much more Grace than I!  I wanted to say "we can't do this without you"...but that's a lie.  We can and we will...I just don't want to!  So I said what I thought he wanted to hear...it is the truth as much as I don't want it to believe it "we can do this, we will be ok...you focus on your job and I will focus on our family and everything here on the home front will be fine."  "Do not worry about us and PLEASE BE SAFE". 

As he closed the door the tears became stronger...I gave myself a minute to let it out full force and then I put the car in reverse and headed for home...as we pulled away from the pier my car was silent.  I reached back and grabbed Aiden's bare foot, "Aiden, I am so proud of you for being so brave".  "Yes but I miss Daddy already". And the tears began again...

Tick tock...

Deployment time is knocking on the door and we are trying to be as prepared as possible and really make the most of our time with Daddy!

Some days I feel like my mind is a 1000 piece puzzle and I am desperate to find my 4 corners to make some sense of the madness!  I am pretty sure my "to-do" list will never end and I will continue to "provide" for Leif even when he is on deployment!  I am certain his shopping options are limited on a war ship :-). Along with my never ending list of things to do, I am dealing with some crazy emotions.  Some are selfish (what about me?) and some are heartbreaking (what about my kids?)!  Aiden asked the other day if "daddy was leaving forever"...NO!  But it is sure going to feel like it.  I am not 3 and I am having a hard time with it so I can only imagine what his little heart and mind are feeling!

I have done really well being strong and supportive but tonight I just couldn't stop the flood of tears.  I am not sure what it was...maybe I am overwhelmed with all of the "puzzle" pieces, maybe I am tired, scared, stressed, anxious, nervous????  Maybe it was the fact that Aiden looked at me tonight with Leif standing right next to him and said "mommy, is Daddy going to come home tomorrow?" Its likehe couldn't   bear to hear the news from Leif  so he asked me but I just felt a lump in my throat!  I don't want to answer those questions.  There are days where I can handle it and days where I can't!  Sometimes I feel like supermom and others I am just super scared!  I just don't want him to go but he is going!  I have to remind myself of a conversation I had with Aiden in the grocery store.  There is a difference between what we want and what we need!  Although we may want 5 boxes of fruit snacks, we don't need them!  I certainly don't want to recap my children's life in a daily email, I don't want Leif to watch them grow up through pictures I send each day, I don't want Easton to one day say "who is daddy", I don't want to have to hold my little boy as he sobs for Daddy...but I will because Leif needs me to!  I will complete the puzzle here on the home front because I need to for the sake of my family...I may not like it, enjoy it, or want to do the dirty work but I will do the best damn job I can...be mommy and daddy, snuggle and punish, teach them to be tough and kiss boos boos when needed...whatever it takes until Daddy gets home...

  

Tugging on the heartstrings...

As we approach deployment in just a matter days I find myself struggling with so many different emotions.  I find myself trying to prepare and analyze every little thing when the reality is, I might as well just throw a deck of cards into the air and see what lands where! Regardless of how much I prepare for this, one thing is for sure...my heart is not ready...and never will be!

Tonight at bedtime Aiden wanted me to put him down.  I explained to him that Daddy wanted to do it because he wasn't going to see him for a long time.  After trying to explain to him the concept of a year and months and distance and why we wouldn't be able to see daddy and why he can't just come home, Aiden said this..."mommy, when daddy is gone I don't think that I can talk about him". My response: "why". His:  "well because I know I will miss him too much so maybe I can just dream about him"...BROKE. MY. HEART!!!

We will dream about him, talk about him, think about him, and plan for his return!!! With each card I am dealt, I will figure it out!  But for tonight...he changed his mind and Daddy to put him to bed!