WOW...what a week!

(this is incredibly wordy but useful for my own memory and perspective, scroll through for pictures)

Sometimes you just have one of those days/weeks that leaves you wondering "what just happened?".  That is how I felt about last week!  The hubby was out to Sea and because I had a bunch of things I wanted to accomplish and I wasn't feeling the greatest my mom offered to come help me out!  I am really not good at taking it easy so I figured if my mom were here to play with Aiden I could do a bunch of running around with out lifting Aiden in and out of the truck and in and out of a shopping cart!  Boy was I glad she was here...

Those who know me well, know that our dog is truly part of the family!  We bought Buddy when he was 11 weeks old and we were juniors in college!  He was our first baby and the closest thing we had to a child for his first 8 years of life and our first 5 years of marriage.  Where we go, Buddy goes!  Simple as that!!!    Monday morning Aiden came to tell me that Buddy was bleeding????  Sure enough he had a bunch of blood on his backside!  I called the vet and took him right in.  They believed it was an infected anal gland but my "fierce" husky wouldn't let them get a good look so they wanted to put him under to clean it up really good! So we scheduled it for Tuesday.

I hadn't been feeling so great for about 2 weeks.  I have been having some severe pains and after my mom caught me doubled over in pain she insisted I call the doctor.  I was pretty sure I knew what it was but figured "what the heck, it can't hurt to call".  Of course they wanted to see me first thing SO...Tuesday I drop Aiden at school, drop Buddy at the vet, and head to the doctor! (Did I mention Hubby was gone, of course he was)  Thankfully my mom was with me because my "pains" weren't just pains they were actually contractions.  Like real contractions...SERIOUSLY???  I definitely thought it was stretching ligaments but I was so wrong and completely blindsided!  I LOVE my doctors but she was not happy with me and she certainly did not sugar coat a thing.  She talked a lot about viability of a baby at 23 weeks, 24 weeks, 25 weeks etc.  Obviously, 23 weeks is not a good place to be if you expect to take your baby home.  My hope is that she was just trying to scare me but I certainly didn't take it well and neither did my mom.  There were a lot of tears.  To be clear, I was NOT in labor but I was contracting pretty consistently which would be great at 38 weeks but not 23 weeks!  My first orders were for increased fluids and moderate bed rest with a follow up in 2 days...didn't work (back to doctor)...so my next order was bed rest and drugs!!!  Bed rest?????  Exactly what does bed rest look like for a mommy of a 3 year old, with a hubby out to sea, and no family in the area?  Trust me I asked.  The response was "do you know what the survival rate of a baby born at 23 weeks looks like?"  OK, I get it!!!  THANK GOD for my Mom being in town!  She helped take over while I attempted bed rest!  If you know me well, you know that I am not the type to lay around so this was a challenge!

"Bed resting"

Tuesday hadn't ended yet...on the way out of the doctors I get a call from the vet!  Buddy is still under anesthesia and does not have an infected anal gland, he has a large tumor in his back side that has worked its way to the outside and the blood is the deterioration of cells (I hope I explained that right) and we have decisions to make.  80% chance it's just a mass, 20% chance it is cancer.  He gave a few options but his recommendation (and of course the most expensive option) is to remove the tumor and take away his manhood.  DONE...whatever it takes!  What time is it????  11:00am...is it bedtime yet?  How much money have I spent in 1 day oh wait the days not over?  When does Leif get home?  phew

He hated me for making him wear this...

Buddy comes home that afternoon and cries for 2 days straight.  I am not even lying...all day and all night...so guess who was up ALL NIGHT LONG!!!  Ms. Bedrest was up and down all night long...standing in my backyard in nothing but a t-shirt...POOR BUDDY!

 (sorry no pictures of me in my t-shirt at 4am)

Now, a week later, Buddy is doing great!  He is healing well and letting me get some much needed rest!  I am still in the same situation but we are working on it and I am confident that everything will be just fine!  Aiden has been a real trooper about Mommy "taking it easy".  My mom stayed with me as long as she could and did her best to keep Aiden busy.  He is 3 and is used to me but certainly had a great time with Grammy and I needed the help! Thanks Mom!  Leif came home and took over!  If I stepped out of bed he was right there questioning my every move!  Thanks to Sandy he actually had a day off but he will leave again this week until Thanksgiving :-(   I spent 3 hours at the doctors today...my awesome neighbor took Aiden for me so that I could concentrate on my appointment and not entertaining a 3 year old in a room with a bunch of monitors and cords.  Most importantly our baby boy is doing good.  I am thankful that I got another look at our sweet boy who was...sucking his thumb!!!  I am also thankful that I have home health care.  When most people would be sitting in a hospital room with IV fluids and meds, I am lucky enough to be laying in my bed with my son playing next to me!  The nurse comes to me once a week and I see the doctor weekly and sometimes twice a week.  We, baby and I, are well taken care of!  Oh...and Buddy's tumor was benign...NO CANCER!!!  This week is off to a better start already :-)

ps...my belly popped :-)

Everything is an experience...good or bad

I am writing this blog with the thought that it may never see the "publish" button or maybe it will!  I am torn on this issue but feel the need to empty out my brain before it explodes...and here is why!

I have a tumor!

On my head (not in my brain)!

I am confident that it is nothing, terrified it's something, and embarrassed to admit I feel like this is all my fault!
Leif and I have wrestled with who to tell, if we should even tell anyone, what to say, how to say it...what will we do if it is...but it isn't...positive thoughts!!!  This is just a taste of my internal conversation and sometimes external conversation with Leif.  Up until I heard the word "Tumor", we kept everything to ourselves.  I was afraid to be a drama queen, a hypochondriac, afraid to make a big deal of nothing, I didn't want to burden anyone or make anyone worry for no reason.  I thought I could handle it...I thought WE could handle it but I spend most of my day in the company of a 2 year old who had no idea what's going on in my mind and I don't really get a lot of opportunity to pour my heart out to Leif and I am not sure I would if given the opportunity, as he is in the midst of a rigorous schedule and, again, I hate to burden him.  He is the person that I go to for everything but right now is just such a bad time.  He really needs to focus on work and I really need to just vent(something I rarely do on my blog)!
After my doctors appointment, the one where she says "It's a tumor and we need to get a better look at it to determine what kind" my phone rang!  It was my mom...10 minutes ago I was told I have a tumor in my head and now I am trying to pretend like nothing is up!  FAIL!!!  I usually tell my mom everything...but I didn't think she could handle this type of worry...I realized very quickly that I couldn't handle it alone!  So the journey to the words TUMOR are summed up below.

For the past 4 months I have had a constant headache.  Some days are better than others but regardless of the intensity, the headache is always there.  While laying in bed on Christmas Eve I randomly ran my fingers through my hair and noticed something odd.  There was a very definitive lump on the top of my head.  I woke my husband and had him feel for it, he looks at me and says "what is that?"  GREAT question...WHAT is that???

I'll be very honest...I was worried but I put it off...in my mind I was half nervous and half sure that it would go away.  I avoided the doctor because I don't want to be THAT patient.  You know the one who has a slight cough and all of the sudden they are dying of something.  Aside from the headaches I feel fine and I am sure that the headaches are just related to all of the changes we have been going through and the lump is probably a swollen lymph node which is my body's way of telling me that I am about to get a cold or something.  Diagnosis complete.

Unfortunately I was living in a dream world.  The lump never went away and neither did the headaches.  I guess I have put it off long enough.  Part of me felt anxious about making the appointment and part of me felt really stupid.  Anxious because I felt like "IF" it is serious I am just about to open a whole can of worms, not just for myself but for my family as well.  Stupid because the thought of saying "Hi I need to see a doctor because I have a lump on my head" just seemed a bit humorous.  I was just sure that the lady on the other end would bust out laughing, put me on hold, and tell everyone with in an ear shot that she had a hypochondriac on line 1.  Her reaction was quite the opposite, rarely do you get seen same or next day at a military clinic but in this case I was able to be seen the next day!

Once the doctor came in, she asked a bunch of questions and then examined my head.  "hhmmmmm Wow, how did you find that?  That is a tumor, we need to get a better look at it"  of course she went on to explain that there many different types of tumors and some are absolutely NOTHING and others are something!  From that point until now has been a complete roller coaster ride!  After some frustrating moments with the Military Clinic (frustration and military clinic are often synonymous) I was able to get in for an MRI.  Now, I wait!
I am relieved that a small part of this is over...the images are in the hands of the doctor and my hope is that I am one step closer to complete relief! I am thinking, praying and hoping that it is nothing...but I am on edge, not sleeping, preoccupied!  I try to keep thinking positive thoughts...but every now and again my mind strays..not in a "poor me" kind of way but more of a simple "what if".  I think it's normal, well as normal as a tumor in the head can be!  So for now I wait...and pray...and worry..and have faith that everything will be just fine!  Everything WILL be just fine!  Regardless...