Thoughts...

Over the past few weeks I have received so many really kind and encouraging emails in regards to my blog and our "stories".   It really makes me feel good to hear that people actually look forward to my blogs and catches me off guard when I get an email requesting a new one or even more so when I meet a new person and they already know me from following through a friend!  I don't write about fashion, or celebrities, or materialistic things...I just write about life...our life.  Today my mom was talking about my recent blogs and she began to cry.  "Why are you crying about a blog" I asked.  Her response really made me think, "they are touching, heartbreaking, inspiring, and sad" she said...SAD???  Certainly not my intention.  I get it though...life is all of those things and this is our life!

The stories I tell about us, our life, our experience, and our journey aren't meant to be sad.  They are meant to be real.  They are for me, for the future, and for my kids (and myself) to one day look back on this time and say "Wow, look how far we've come".  But they are also a real glimpse into a life that those who have never lived it, could never really comprehend.  There is a part of me that writes for that person who makes the one comment that causes my skin to crawl..."you knew what you were getting into".  I have heard this comment so many times that I have just learned to walk away but my hope is that maybe those who truly believe "I knew what I was getting into" when I married a military man, will read our daily experiences and sacrifices and understand that Military life, like any part of life, is filled with so many unexpected, unplanned for, and unbelievable moments.  Yes, we chose this lifestyle and I certainly do not want any sympathy for that...but much like I chose this life, I also chose to do so many other things thinking they would be one way when in reality they were another.  I could have never known what it would be like to hold my crying 4 year old because Daddy didn't show up on his birthday, or to live with a cell phone in my hand just in case our baby does something monumental that Daddy will not see first hand for over half a year,  to plan vacations and pregnancies in the same way... around the needs of the Navy.  To eat alone, sleep alone and parent alone day in and day out, desperate for a conversation with your other half because he is the only one who can tell by the sound of your voice that you are not ok.  There is not a book, Facebook page, or conversation that could ever tell me what I was getting into...and even if there was, would that prohibit me from ever expressing displeasure.  Saying "you knew what you were getting into" to an overwhelmed military spouse is like looking at an exhausted new mother and saying "well, you wanted a baby" ...it's absurd.

Maybe through our experiences people will see a different side to the military family.  Maybe they will feel like they have a better insight into the day to day life versus the good looking man in uniform kissing his family pier side because that moment, while so incredibly beautiful, was preceded by a lot of tears, fears, and sacrifices.  It was a culmination of so many missed moments, many many months of separation, and a lot of love.  I do this because I love my husband, not because I knew what it was going to be like, but because regardless of how hard you tell me it is going to be, I still love him and support him and a tough experience will never change that!

I hope people read because they can relate, or they can learn, or feel inspired, or just to get away from their thoughts.  Shoot, feel free to read just to be nosey :-)  But know that these experiences, although sometimes difficult, make us who we are and they are real and sometimes hard...they aren't for pity but more for perspective.  We are living a life that is sometime touching, sometimes heartbreaking, sometimes inspiring and sometimes it's sad but it is always WORTH IT!!!

Resolutions for 20-somethings

While my boys were napping...my dog, my hubby, and my baby boy...I ran across something that I found pretty interesting.  Since I am still a 20 something, for the next 64 days but who's counting,  and I haven't posted about resolutions yet, I figured now would be a great time.  I have had the same resolution every single year and so far that has worked really well for me.  Every January I remind myself that the only way to stay in touch with friends and family is to constantly be the one to make the effort.  Sometimes it is very disheartening when you realize that the effort isn't reciprocated (especially when it's family) but each and every night when my head hits the pillow, I know that I am a better person for the efforts of my day!  Below is a list of resolutions for 20-somethings that I found on the thought catalog.  I think this is a great universal list, in fact I found a few that definitely already apply to or I will be applying to my life and I will be brave enough to highlight them...for the sake of honesty, forwardness and accountability.    (to be clear...I DID NOT write this list...hence the links)

       

 “20 Resolutions for 20 Somethings” 

1. Before you status update, Tweet, Tumble or Instagram, pause and say to yourself, “is it entirely necessary that I share this morsel of thought with my entire social network?”and if the answer is not, “yes, I absolutely must,” then step away from the Internet.
2. Know which candidate you’re going to vote for in the upcoming presidential election, and know why.
3. Enough with the 14-day juice cleanses. If you want to lose a little weight quickly, eat less and exercise like crazy. If you want to lose a lot of weight slowly, do whatever Jennifer Hudson did.
4. If you really like the person you’re hooking up with and would like them to be your boyfriend/ girlfriend, find a way to tell them, and hope for the best. If you don’t and wouldn’t, stop.
5. Find a way to save approximately 300 dollars and spend it on a flight to see a friend or family member who lives far away.
6. Please stop liking the Kardashians, all of them. It’s not helping anyone, least of all the Kardashians.
7. Spend less than or equal to the money you earn each month.
8. Wear clothes that fit you, especially to work.
9. Call someone on the phone at least once a week, and speak to him or her for at least ten minutes.
10. Start preparing now to get over the fact that Facebook is probably going to change again in six months. You’re not going to deactivate your account. You don’t know how.
11. Wait 30 seconds before you look up a fact you can’t remember on your phone, and try to remember it using your brain. This is what the olden days were like.
12. Replace one terrible reality show you’re currently watching with one wonderful scripted show currently available on television.  Swap suggestion: Real Housewives of Anywhere for HBO’s Enlightened.
13. Try that food you think you don’t like but have never actually tried, unless it’s brussels sprouts. They really don’t need any more attention.
14. Cut one person out of your life who you truly do not like and add one person who you truly do. Note: not on Facebook, on Earth.
15. If you’re still blacking out regularly, you should stop.
16. Volunteer once over the next 90 days.  You’ll feel really good about it, and probably end up volunteering again over the next 275.
17.  Tell someone who you love that you love them on a more regular basis. To their face, not in a text.
18. Back up your entire online life onto an external hard drive, especially your photos.
19. Crap or get off the pot. This applies to whatever thing you’re not doing that you should just sack up and do already.
20.  And in the eternal words of Tom Haverford, “TREAT YO SELF!”

Resolutions written by JESSIE ROSEN 

What do you think?  Do any of these apply to you???

Potty Time...

I am proud to say that my baby  little boy is potty trained!  I really can't believe that we have cut our last thread of babyhood (diapers) and moved on into the world of little boy (underwear).  If I am being completely honest, I really can not take any credit for the success of potty training.  Aiden has been ready for a while and selfishly I decided to wait until we were finally here in RI and had the holidays out of the way.  I knew that in the early stages of potty training, once the words "Mommy I have to go potty" come out, you have about 12 seconds to get the pants down and the boy on the seat.  The idea of multiple long road trips, potty training, public restrooms and pee pee accidents in a car seat seemed to be more than I could handle at an already stressful time.  So once we arrived back to RI after the holidays potty boot camp was in effect.  Prior to starting, I had a discussion with Aiden's teacher about how I was starting potty training on Friday so I hoped to have him in underwear by the time he returned to school on Tuesday...another mother overheard the conversation and walked over to us and said "that won't happen, Good Luck with that".  (thanks for the support lady)  On Friday January 6th, when Aiden woke up in the morning, the diaper came off and we never looked back!  He did amazingly well!  From that moment until now, including that following Tuesday when he went back to school :-), he has only had around 6 accidents all were at home except for 1 (Sorry Jimmy and Lindsey) and all were Pee Pee, Thankfully!!!!  He does wears a pull up at night...last night he woke up at midnight and by the time I got downstairs he was in the dark bathroom with the "big boy" toilet seat up, attempting to get his pants down, saying "Mommy I have to go pee pee".  I helped him up, he did his business, and was in bed asleep before I could wipe off the toilet seat, flush and check on him!  Most mornings he is dry...other times there is a little moisture!!  In an effort to not completely embarrass my child, I will refrain from posting any pics of him on the potty (although they do exist)....however, how cute are these???

I definitely believe that Aiden was just ready to transition.  Once we introduced the potty and Elmo's Potty time, he just began the transition on his own.  We really tried not to force him, or bribe him, or scold him.  Once he showed a continued interest and we were settled, we became more consistent and eliminated diapers all together (except pull ups at bedtime only)!
I recently read something about how most bloggers act as if their life, marriage, family, and children are perfect.  So in an effort to be honest...after a rough pregnancy, a rough delivery, moving 500 miles 3 weeks postpartum, a child who wouldn't take a bottle (wanted his milk straight from the tap every 2 hours), hated the car seat as an infant, had severe food allergies, was underweight, and didn't sleep through the night until he was 2...potty training was a breeze...and I deserve it!!!

ok...so maybe just a little embarrassment!!!

Celebrating...

Tonight we are in Boston, MA and we are celebrating.  The Gunderson's have SO much to celebrate tonight!  Our prayers have been answered and we can all breathe a little easier tonight!  Leif and I are not the type of people to put our every waking moment, hardship, drama or worry out into the world.  We aren't perfect but at the end of the day we are beyond blessed and we know it.  We have had something weighing on our minds and in our hearts and thankfully, tonight, we are resting a little easier!  I wrote a blog ( that I never published) about the journey we were on and I will publish it tonight.
Very few people knew what was going on, and I apologize to all of my wonderful friends, but we made a decision early on to keep all of the details private until we had answers.  So private that my own mother, who I tell everything to, was just recently informed.  To read about how it all went down you can go here!
So....Tonight we are celebrating extremely positive test results.  No CANCER...our #1 fear and thankfully we are in the clear.  The tumor (in my head) is benign...the results were not perfect but they were positive.  We still have a journey ahead of us and there are still unanswered questions but the news is GREAT!  They incidentally found a cyst in my brain (which is benign also), I will see a neurologist, a surgeon and I will have the tumor removed and maybe even the cyst...but we are so, so, so happy with the news!  I left the doctor and felt like I was lighter...I felt like I was "me" again.  I was so happy, excited, and relieved that I cried.
We had decided to go to Boston for the long weekend...Good or Bad...we were going to enjoy our long weekend exploring "the North"...when we got into the hotel room tonight my husband looked at me and said "We are going to celebrate all weekend long" and celebrate we will!  Tomorrow we will visit the aquarium and maybe the Children's museum...we will see how much Aiden can handle...my little guy "celebrated" until 10:45pm tonight...and for once, adhering to Aiden's bedtime meant absolutely nothing to me...

My Sweet Aiden

In a matter of hours my sweet baby boy will turn 2 years old!  I find it very hard to grasp the thought of being a mother to a 2 year old!  To say that this boy is my life would be an understatement!  He is the reason that I smile, the infinite worth to my life, and the beginning, middle, and end to my day!
After a very long and difficult pregnancy, Aiden Ellis Gunderson was welcomed into this world, with the cutest cry and grump face, on September 1, 2009 at 2:35 am weighing an even 7lbs and stretching to a lean 20 inches long.  After 13 hours of drug free labor, Aiden was delivered via emergency C-section.  After the pregnancy that I had, hearing him cry was the single most amazing sound that I have ever heard!  I couldn't help but breakdown into tears...he was (and still is) PERFECT!!!

Everything you have ever heard about being a parent is true...as much as I hate to be cliche, I have to admit that there is NO OTHER love than the love that a mother feels for her child!  I absolutely love my husband but there are no words to describe how I love my son...it isn't a matter of how much...it is just simply "how" I love him.  It's a deep, selfless, protective, proud, providing, challenging,careful, nurturing and extremely emotional kind of love.  It is the kind of love that can make you extremely crazy...like you would beat another child for making your child cry kind of love...and also make you a big cry baby...like they poop on the potty and your cry over it kind of love.  I think the best way to sum it up is to say that I love my son in a way that I want to protect him from all the bad in this world, from everything that is unfair, and from any harm.  I want him to trust me and know that I will always be there to catch him when he falls and I will always put his best interest at heart, no matter what.
As I look back over my pregnancy and these amazing 2 years of my life, I can't help but get extremely emotional.  I was given the greatest gift...the ability to create, carry, birth and nurture a child.  I was given a happy, healthy little boy who is the absolute light of my life!  The good Lord trusted me with this innocent canvas and I feel no shame in saying that he is with out a doubt a masterpiece.

To my sweet Aiden,
Somewhere, someway, and somehow...someone thought enough of me to allow me to be your mother!  I try, every day, to be worthy of that title.  You have given me a kind of happiness that I never knew existed!  In the morning when you whisper "Momma, me happy" or when you are driving your little red car around the house and you scoot past me, stop, back up and lean out the window and say "Momma, I wanna kiss", I can't help but wonder what I did to deserve your sweet unsolicited love and affection!  You continuously amaze me with your knowledge, your compassion, and your confidence to try new things.  You are a funny little character especially when you fold your arms, mimic my mannerisms, dance to your own singing, clap (and tell me to clap) for your own accomplishments, that little eye roll that you do and the way you carry on a conversation with Buddy as if he knows exactly what you are talking about.  You have become such an independent boy always saying "momma, I wanna do it".  Today, as we were eating lunch, you just had to name every item on your plate, "hot dog, chicky (chicken), strawberry, tomato, chips, water"...after asking if you could have some cookie Daddy said 2 more bites of hot dog...you shoved 4 pieces in and said "cookie pwease"...we can't argue with that!!!  Speaking of eating...you have great eating habits!  You love fruits and vegetables and would pick a strawberry over a lollipop any day!  You are such a sweetheart, always ready to kiss Momma or Daddy's "boo boo's, and you still believe me when I tell you I have a boo boo on my mouth just so I can get another kiss on my lips hehe!  I could really go on and on but I will end with this.  THANK YOU...for being patient with me as I learn how to be the best Mommy possible, for making my job so incredibly easy and fun, for being so laid back as we (and the Navy) keep you in a constant transition, and most importantly thank you for being YOU...sweet, compassionate, affectionate, silly Aiden!  My life, my love, and always my BABY BOY!  Mommy loves you more than you will ever know!  HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET AIDEN!

The New Mr. and Mrs.

I LOVE WEDDINGS!!!  I doubt that I am the only one!  To be honest, I really haven't been to that many weddings!  My wedding was only the 3rd wedding I had ever been to, but since then that number has increased! Weddings and babies kind of come in waves...so for today I want to share some moments from a very beautiful wedding that the hubs and I had the honor of attending!
The wedding of our very dear friend, Matt and his very beautiful bride, Melissa!
My hubs and Matt have been friends since probably before high school!  We had the same circle of friends throughout high school and even into our college years...Matt lived in Charleston our first time here back in 2005...so to say we saw him often would be an understatement!
To spare you all of the details about Matt meeting Melissa I will just say that I remember him telling us he met a girl...he was smitten and he didn't even have to say it (although he did say it...multiple times hehe).  Over the past few years of their relationship, we have had the pleasure of getting to know Melissa and it has been so great to add another addition into our circle of friends, a very exclusive circle, if I do say so myself!
Fast forward to the wedding....It was held at the Sheraton Town Centre in Columbia, MD...a Beautiful hotel...perfect for a beautiful couple!  If I have said it once, I have probably said it a million times, I am a cry baby....I honestly could not help but to tear up when I saw Melissa and her Dad walking down the aisle...

The look of pride on her dad's face was priceless...and Melissa looked beautiful!!!  Her dress was gorgeous...she is the cutest little thing anyways but that dress was really perfect for her!!!
The ceremony was perfect...short, sweet, and to the point!  So for the highlights in pictures...

Matt waiting patiently...

The Vows...

THE KISS!!!

Introducing Mr. and Mrs. Voelker!

Now onto the PARTY....if you run in our group of friends you know that we LOVE a good party!!!  There were so many wonderful things about this event...

 Spending time with my best girl friends

The first dance...

L.O.V.E

The speeches...

Daddy/Daughter Dance

Cutting the cake...

Mother and Daughter!

The reception was a amazing...the food was yummy, the dessert was decadent, the people were a blast, oh and did I mention the PHOTOBOOTH....

Welcome to "The Girls" Melissa

After we danced the night away, we decided that the party wasn't over...after a short walk we arrived at the after party....the fun continued....(obviously)

With the Groom

Cheers...

Do we look like we are having fun???

Best Buds!!!

Matt and Melissa,
Thank you so much for including us in your special day!  Not only was the wedding beautiful but the "party" was one to go into the books!  We had such a wonderful time and felt so privileged to be a part of your special day!  We want to wish you eternal love and happiness in your marriage and hope that the you remember the excitement and love that you felt on your wedding day, each and every day of your marriage!  Congratulations and may you always kiss each other good night!!!

The Loss of Hope...

Today marks the date of a significant event in our lives...I certainly wouldn't call it an anniversary because, to me, anniversaries mark exciting times or events...anniversaries are something you want to remember every year however this event is something that, unfortunately, we will never forget.  In case you don't already know, my hubby and I are high school sweethearts!  We started dating our 11th grade year but decided very early on that we had plans for our life...we thought we had something special but knew that there were A LOT of things that had to happen in order for us to live "happily ever after"...finish high school, go to college, get married, graduate, get jobs, buy a house and SETTLE!  Not sure if the "Settle" will ever happen but Welcome to the Navy! For the longest time the idea of starting a family was not even a topic of conversation!  It just wasn't in "The Plan"!!!  However, like most people say, one day it just hit me...it was time!  I will never forget the day...August 15th 2007...that "baby" truck just side swiped me one night while I was sleeping and I woke up "ready" to try!  Our road to pregnancy wasn't a, shall I say, "wam bam thank you ma'am" event...it took some time but that is neither here nor there!  Eventually we got pregnant....I will never forget buying the test and taking it...PREGNANT!...and buying another 3 tests and taking 2 of them...PREGNANT!...PREGNANT!...running into the kitchen and jumping into Leif's arms!  He swung me around and I just remember saying "I can't believe it...we are pregnant"...Finally we were pregnant!  YES, I cried...and I am crying now at the memory of my innocent excitement!  I shared the news with a VERY select few people...about 6 people knew...what can I say...I am superstitious!  My pregnancy was picture perfect...I had the usual early symptoms but nothing too crazy!  The weeks flew by and I figured that before I knew it I would be holding my baby...unfortunately that wasn't in "The Plan".  We lost our baby...or shall I say we lost our pregnancy!  I will spare you the very gory and painful details of everything that happened but will share with you the moment we knew...in the ER...Doc examines me..."Well" she says "your cervix size is consistent with a women who is approximately 10-12 weeks pregnant but I will do blood work and a sonogram to be sure"....I will never forget those words because my wonderful husband was sitting right beside me holding my hand and he gave me a really tight squeeze when she said that I "felt" pregnant...it is almost like he "squeezed" that moment into my mind...we had a sonogram and waited for the results...there was a fetal pole...but no heartbeat...blood work showed elevated hormone levels but not enough to be "as pregnant" as I was...they were dropping!  We were no longer pregnant!  I followed up with my regular doctor and she recommended a DNC...I declined!  It took about 8 days but at my next follow up my cervix was empty...the "Good News" she said is "that we now know that you can get pregnant"...what's the bad news?  Well the bad news is that your body did what is called a "spontaneous abortion"...Yes, I cried again...I cried a lot over the next 2 weeks..."WHY?" I asked...she gave me an answer that FOR ME makes a lot of sense but unfortunately does not make things any easier!  This miscarriage was your body's way of saying that something isn't right...this pregnancy would not be viable outside of the womb, there was a defect in the fetus..."it is for the best that you miscarried"...I heard those words a lot over the next few weeks...Now let me be very honest...I was ANGRY!  I am not sure who I was angry with but I was angry...I was angry with the world, with myself, with God, with every person that said the wrong thing while trying to comfort me...I seriously wanted to crawl into a hole and die!  I am not sure why...maybe I am a masochist (gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., inflicted or imposed on oneself)...but a few days later I secretly took that last pregnancy test...that last one in the pack of 3 that I mentioned above...PREGNANT...knife through the heart!  Would this pain ever end?

I am a firm believer that each and every experience is unique...my marriage is not the same as yours, my experience with cancer is not the same as yours, my college experience is not the same as yours, my pregnancy is not the same as yours and my miscarriage is not the same as yours... or your moms, or your sisters, or your friends!  I know that in hard times it is very difficult to know what to say but sometimes I think a simple "I am sorry" or "I am here for you" would suffice.  I had one person tell me to "get over it" another said that I didn't really lose a baby so I shouldn't be sad...she was right in a way...no baby at 10-12 weeks would survive outside the womb but here is the conclusion that I have come to...I was pregnant, I was excited, I was ready, I had plans, I had hope...and then I lost it all!  Sometimes in my mind I think I lost a baby, and sometimes I think the biggest thing I lost was hope!  I was hopeful for the future, I had made plans and as much as I was told not to...I got excited!  How can you not?  You try for over a year to get pregnant...you can't help but get excited...HECK if you try for 5 minutes to get pregnant and you do, you are excited!  I was going to be a Mommy and Leif a Daddy...we had made something together...we had planted roots...from the first sonogram to the first cry, love at first sight,  long nights, birthdays, Christmas, play dates and FOREVER...I had hopes of forever!  From the moment that little stick read "PREGNANT" you start thinking, planning, and hoping...want to or not...you do...and when it is gone you either mourn the loss or move on...and I mourned!  I am forever changed...for the good and for the bad!  I will never have the same innocent excitement about a pregnancy, I will never be so hopeful, I will never let my mind "plan" for the future  and most importantly I PROMISE that I will never ever ever take the gift of life for granted!

Sometimes at night when Aiden can't sleep and I have been rocking, nursing, shushing and swaying him, I remind myself of that day, November 14, the day that changed me forever.  The night I begged to God "Please let me still be pregnant" and then just cried out "why?".  When I look into his eyes and tear up, when I talk about him and tear up, when I call him "the chosen" one, MY miracle baby...I think people think I am crazy and in some ways I AM!  But this is MY experience...my struggles, my hardship...in someways the miscarriage was the end of one struggle and in some ways it was only the beginning but either way it was was a defining moment in my pursuit to be the best mother I can absolutely be.  It doesn't define me, Teresa, but it does mark a change in who I am....Who am I?  I am THANKFUL!!!