Friday, January 13, 2012

Everything is an experience...good or bad

I am writing this blog with the thought that it may never see the "publish" button or maybe it will!  I am torn on this issue but feel the need to empty out my brain before it explodes...and here is why!

I have a tumor!

On my head (not in my brain)!

I am confident that it is nothing, terrified it's something, and embarrassed to admit I feel like this is all my fault!
Leif and I have wrestled with who to tell, if we should even tell anyone, what to say, how to say it...what will we do if it is...but it isn't...positive thoughts!!!  This is just a taste of my internal conversation and sometimes external conversation with Leif.  Up until I heard the word "Tumor", we kept everything to ourselves.  I was afraid to be a drama queen, a hypochondriac, afraid to make a big deal of nothing, I didn't want to burden anyone or make anyone worry for no reason.  I thought I could handle it...I thought WE could handle it but I spend most of my day in the company of a 2 year old who had no idea what's going on in my mind and I don't really get a lot of opportunity to pour my heart out to Leif and I am not sure I would if given the opportunity, as he is in the midst of a rigorous schedule and, again, I hate to burden him.  He is the person that I go to for everything but right now is just such a bad time.  He really needs to focus on work and I really need to just vent(something I rarely do on my blog)!
After my doctors appointment, the one where she says "It's a tumor and we need to get a better look at it to determine what kind" my phone rang!  It was my mom...10 minutes ago I was told I have a tumor in my head and now I am trying to pretend like nothing is up!  FAIL!!!  I usually tell my mom everything...but I didn't think she could handle this type of worry...I realized very quickly that I couldn't handle it alone!  So the journey to the words TUMOR are summed up below.

For the past 4 months I have had a constant headache.  Some days are better than others but regardless of the intensity, the headache is always there.  While laying in bed on Christmas Eve I randomly ran my fingers through my hair and noticed something odd.  There was a very definitive lump on the top of my head.  I woke my husband and had him feel for it, he looks at me and says "what is that?"  GREAT question...WHAT is that???

I'll be very honest...I was worried but I put it my mind I was half nervous and half sure that it would go away.  I avoided the doctor because I don't want to be THAT patient.  You know the one who has a slight cough and all of the sudden they are dying of something.  Aside from the headaches I feel fine and I am sure that the headaches are just related to all of the changes we have been going through and the lump is probably a swollen lymph node which is my body's way of telling me that I am about to get a cold or something.  Diagnosis complete.

Unfortunately I was living in a dream world.  The lump never went away and neither did the headaches.  I guess I have put it off long enough.  Part of me felt anxious about making the appointment and part of me felt really stupid.  Anxious because I felt like "IF" it is serious I am just about to open a whole can of worms, not just for myself but for my family as well.  Stupid because the thought of saying "Hi I need to see a doctor because I have a lump on my head" just seemed a bit humorous.  I was just sure that the lady on the other end would bust out laughing, put me on hold, and tell everyone with in an ear shot that she had a hypochondriac on line 1.  Her reaction was quite the opposite, rarely do you get seen same or next day at a military clinic but in this case I was able to be seen the next day!

Once the doctor came in, she asked a bunch of questions and then examined my head.  "hhmmmmm Wow, how did you find that?  That is a tumor, we need to get a better look at it"  of course she went on to explain that there many different types of tumors and some are absolutely NOTHING and others are something!  From that point until now has been a complete roller coaster ride!  After some frustrating moments with the Military Clinic (frustration and military clinic are often synonymous) I was able to get in for an MRI.  Now, I wait!
I am relieved that a small part of this is over...the images are in the hands of the doctor and my hope is that I am one step closer to complete relief! I am thinking, praying and hoping that it is nothing...but I am on edge, not sleeping, preoccupied!  I try to keep thinking positive thoughts...but every now and again my mind strays..not in a "poor me" kind of way but more of a simple "what if".  I think it's normal, well as normal as a tumor in the head can be!  So for now I wait...and pray...and worry..and have faith that everything will be just fine!  Everything WILL be just fine!  Regardless...

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