Friday, October 21, 2016

Life didn’t go as planned.  The short term.  The long term.  The now and the forever!  If I thought I knew what blindsided meant before September 16th…I was wrong.  My life forever changed.  Everything changed…everything!  My daily habits, my routine, my here, my now, my then and my could have been!  I am not a “poor me” kind of girl but this is like nothing I have ever even fathomed life could be like.  Strength is laughable…unattainable.  Everything about life just seems unimportant…insignificant…lost…even worthless.  I get it…most have experienced loss.  I have before, too!  My loss may seem so insignificant to many….and to others they will compare…they say they know how I feel…but the reality is that I don’t even know how I feel.  I eat, sleep, and breathe my loss.  I fall asleep with tears, “Sleep” with nightmares and wake up to sorrow.  I am not even sure that my next breath is worth it.  I am so blessed in my life…I know that with zero doubt.  I have a beautiful life…but I have become empty.
My mom died!!!  She was 62!  There, I said it!  I have said it a million times since that moment…it’s awful but necessary.  The bills, the creditors, the legalities, the money, the funeral, the flowers and the reality.  The reality that her whole life is now over….placed in my lap like a handful of weeds picked by my 3 year old….it’s a mess.  But I have to say it…people won’t let you handle her business unless you say it.  She died!  Our daily conversations…sometimes 3 and 4 times daily conversations have been replaced with me wondering what to do…where do I go from here?  This DID NOT have to happen.  This wasn’t natural.  This was negligence!  I sit here and question every single step that was taken.  From the day she entered the hospital on August 26th to our last face to face conversation on September 8th and our last phone conversation on September 11th followed by full chaos on September 12th, her intubation and her fight that ended on September 16th.  The devastating lows and the completely unexpected yet welcomed highs that just never fully developed…this should not have been!   A time frame that I have replayed over and over.  One that I will continue to play over and over for the rest of my life.  The medical terms, the legal terms and the emotional terms.  Medical directive, advanced directive, medical power of attorney, DNR, living will, personal representative, decision maker, next of kin or beneficiary.  I’m TERESA!  I’m HER DAUGHTER.  I’m not a number, a bureaucracy, a signature on your legal paper…I am her daughter.  She is my mom!  My best friend!  My person…and I was hers!  Right now it is not in her best interest to share details!  I have gone over them with a fine tooth comb for well over a month.  I have laid in her lifeless arms and sobbed for answers.  I have stared at her dead body…numb…sad…angry…curious!  Have you ever stood next to someone that has not had a heartbeat for days….maybe over a week?  I did!  I held her.  I cried.  I studied every single feature.  I cut her hair.  I positioned her face “just so”.  I talked to her.  I cried on her.  I have touched her cold face.  Kissed her stiff lips.  Just one more time!  Forever is way too long.
   I have blamed her.  I have blamed me, you and everyone I could point the finger at.  This didn’t have to be!  But the blame game didn’t help!  It didn’t take away loss, it didn’t bring her back, it didn’t change the past.  I pleaded with her!  I pleaded with the doctors!  I pleaded with God!  I laid at her bedside in prayer, in grief, in disbelief, in anger, and in a stage of helplessness!  I wouldn’t leave.  Nothing else mattered.  The outcome was laid before me early on.  I just couldn’t accept it.  I got my hopes up.  She’s a fighter…she always will be!  It just wasn’t her fight!  It was beyond everyone, everything and all possibility!  They let her die before anyone could notice and the damage was done!  I sit here left with everything.  With the wonder, the sadness, the responsibility.  With the awkward conversations.  The entire population of my life who just doesn’t get it.  You shouldn’t get it.  I hope you never get it!  This isn’t an isolated moment in time.  For you, it just might be!  But for me…this is forever!  This is every holiday, birthday, funny story, tear cried, success story, tough day, big sale, touchdown pass, alumni game or just a simple daily check in.  This is a void!  I am not 55, 60, 65,  or 70…I am 34!  My kids are babies!  I am so fortunate for the 34 years I did have…that was a blessing that not everyone gets!  But too soon is too soon!  Gone TOO SOON!!!!   

Many have expressed an interest in reading her eulogy!  Whether for the first time or for those at her service and heard me speak it, maybe a reminder!  In the next few days I will put in on my blog!  She always loved my blog.  She wanted me to write a book!  She wanted me to write a blog about her.  Time is fleeting!  I wrote so many things to her…none of which were public!  Perhaps just one of many regrets!  She knew everything…so did I!  Yet, I still have regret!  There was no question unanswered!  No word unsaid between us!  Thank GOD for all of our conversations but especially the one on September 9th!  We both said it all…but regret finds it’s way into grief!  SHE….She will never be gone in my heart!  A huge void….one that can’t be filled but one that is radiated with her!  Her laugh, her smile, her uniqueness and everything that she was!  The good, the weird and the Jeanette!  She just was!!!!!  Unapologetically her….OH, to be her!!!!