As we anticipate our newest chapter, I have spent a lot of time thinking about my boys.  Their excitement, their impact, how they will adjust and what they will think about our decision to grow this family.  All of the emotions flood as life changes for all of us but especially for them!

To my boys,
I hope you know that you are enough!  Always were and always will be.  You were so enough that you opened my heart for more!  People often say to me "you got your girl"...that's not fair!!!  I didn't need a girl!  We didn't try for or expect a girl.  We got whatever it was that our hearts were open for and I promise to never take it for granted.  But you...I was fulfilled with you!  I was so whole with all that you gave me that I knew we were done!  Everything I probably never knew I wanted or needed was wrapped up in you!  The way you taught me about life, about patience, forgiveness, redemption, curiosity and most importantly all of the things you have taught me about love!  I swore after each of you that I had it all.  That I would never put myself through another pregnancy but both of you have enriched my life and my heart so much that I allowed it to open one more time.  I used to say “if God put a baby on my doorstep, I would gladly accept another”.  Instead, God took me through the lowest of lows and here is what that taught me about being a mom.  This isn’t about me.  This is all about you.  I was so lonely, so broken, and so isolated.  But I had you and you had me.  I spent a lot of time thinking about my life and my legacy and most importantly, I spent a lot of time thinking about you two.  About how you will always have each other and something inside me realized that maybe I was doing you a disservice by closing the door on more.  Maybe, just maybe, another precious life would be exactly what YOU needed one day.  That maybe, my loneliness was a wake up call to my own selfishness.

You deserve it all...and I begged the Lord to show me how to give it to you and how to spare you the emptiness that I felt.  The need to turn to someone but to have no one there that actually got it!  The need to feel connected without the lines being frayed.  I don’t want you to have to search for family..to yearn for a bond.  I never want you to feel at odds with your memories or to question your place.  I want you to remind each other and I hope that our newest addition is proof that you both were so great, that I just had to give you more.  More laughs, more memories, more snuggles, more stories, more support and more roots!

More of all of the things that matter and more of all of the things that made me whole, gave me purpose, and inspired me to truly live!  There is not a decision on this earth that doesn’t make me think of you first!  This new chapter was carefully thought out with you in mind, with you at the core and with you as the main focus!  This little lady is lucky to have you...I promise that without your greatness, your fulfilling ways and your ability to make me whole...there would be no her!  She is anxiously anticipated and fiercely loved because of you!  Because you showed me the power of precious miracles.  Because you were enough to let my heart open and receive another gift.  Because you were enough to allow me to feel fulfilled and more than enough to allow me to question my heart and want for more.  For me, for daddy, for this world but most importantly for you!!!

If your mom calls, ANSWER!

My mom called last night!  Sounds crazy to you but to me it was something that I had been begging for since May 14, 2017.  That was the first and only time that she spoke to me in a dream...not sick, not dying and not just a memory.  I remember that "dream" so vividly.  One where she knew all of the things deep in my heart.  All of the grief, the fears, the sadness and the uncertainty that I had been dealing with.  She gave me her sound advice and I followed it.  As usual, she was right.  It was so real and then it was gone!

After her death I struggled with awful nightmares.  Ones where I would wake up terrified to go back to sleep, I'd wake up screaming, tears streaming down my face and the experience would stay with me all day until it was time to meet the madness again!  For over a full year, I would dream about her death.  About the way she looked, how she struggled, the tubes, the cords, the machines and her body's response to what was happening.  The dreams were ugly and incredibly unforgiving.  I hated sleep and couldn't find an escape when every part of my being was tired.  I'm not an expert and my experience isn't special or groundbreaking, but for me, there has been a huge amount of trauma that was associated with what happened to my mom.  There are some things that you just can't "unsee".  In my limited experience, caring for someone on life support is not what you see on TV.  Some moments were peaceful and then there were others that will haunt me forever.  Those memories are the ones that I don't talk about to anyone.  The images and the description of what I experienced are a sure signal to the uncontrollable tears.  I can tell the story a million ways and I will always leave out the gruesome details...my job, my most important duty and final deed to her in those final days, was to ensure that she died with dignity regardless of what I had to do, see or feel...and she died with the most dignity that could have possibly been granted given the situation!  I'm working to be at Peace with that!

But last night....with almost 18 months in between our last connection...we spoke again!

I have the most precious voicemail saved from her.  It starts with "Hey Sweetie, it's me"...last night, a rather sleepless night, I finally dozed off around 6:30 am...I guess that's morning...it was my first deep sleep of the night so for me, it was still late night!  The phone rang and in the most lucid feeling while still sleeping it all seemed so real.  I was driving and "Mom" came over my bluetooth screen...I answered reluctantly...."Hey Sweetie, it's me"... exactly like the voicemail.  The one I have listened to over and over and over again.  The one I just let Aiden listen to for the first time the other day.  EXACTLY THE SAME.  Except this time the rest was different..."Teresa, you there?  It's mom"
Don't wake up, don't wake up, don't wake up....I was literally begging myself to stay asleep! She knew it.  It was like my subconscious, my conscious, my dreams and my reality were all in sync.

"Teresa, you will wake up but this is real.  Right now, this is real.  Talk to me." and so I did!  I hung on every single word.  She was there and I was back.  I had my person and we talked.  All of the things that I tell no one, I told her!  It was like we never missed a beat!  I had so much to say and yet half of it I couldn't remember once I awoke!  But in my dream, there was this odd feeling of reality that never left when I woke up.  It was real enough.  She knew enough.  I could speak freely, be me, vent, worry, boast and then beg...beg for the unreal to be real...because in a way it was so real.  She knows too much.  Our conversation will carry me through to the next one.  I'll obsess and replay every detail that I can remember, until she gives me more.  But her words will stay close to my heart because I know that's where she wants them!

Somehow, deep down I know how, but somehow she knows every intricacy of my mind and my heart!  Every quirk, every insecurity and every struggle.  All of the things that weigh me down that aren't worth talking about to anyone else, she already knew!  And still, somehow, she knew how to make it all ok.  Even if for just a second, it was all ok!  She was her and I was me...the way we should be!  Not the way the world made us through this process...we were just mother and daughter...chatting on the phone!  Best Friends!  Two souls that will forever be connected even if it is just in my dreams.  Everything is different but nothing has really changed!  I'll always answer her call!  Always have, Always will!!!