A little transparency...
Y’all it’s been a while since I looked in the mirror and recognized myself. I made Leif a photo book for Father’s Day and didn’t even recognize myself in the pictures from the past 2 years. It was very hard to look through the moments captured and not hit the delete button. But I know that one day I will look back and truly see how far I’ve come. Yesterday, I was sitting in my car and the tears started to surge. I’ll never forget a conversation that I had with Aiden. It was about a year ago. I was at the lowest of lows...struggling to get pregnant, I had gained 30lbs for unknown reasons, my hair was falling out rapidly and I was intentionally isolating myself from anything and everything that I once enjoyed. Aiden crawled up next to me and asked me an innocent yet gut wrenching question. “Are you ever going to be happy again?” I didn’t have an answer for him. So I did the only thing I know how to do...something I learned from my mom...I told him the truth. Maybe a truth that was too mature but it was all I had. The truth is I didn’t know if I would ever be happy again. Full disclosure...I didn’t want to ever be happy again. I didn’t think happiness could exist and why the heck would I want to be happy without my biggest fans, my parents, and specifically my best friend, my mom. I had lost both my parents just a couple of months apart and I “buried” the best part of me with them! I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw...I even hated the thoughts going on in my own head. Believe me, I soldiered on with a fake smile...I kept so much hidden but yesterday something hit me while I was looking at one of my maternity pictures. There was something there. I can’t yet tell you if it is true happiness but what I can tell you is that it resembled someone I used to know. I saw someone I hadn’t seen in a while...even if for just a second, I recognized her! It was the strangest thing. I saw a glimmer of the “old Teresa”. Today, I couldn’t find her...I’ll let the pictures give me hope. She’s still in there...by the GRACE of God...she’s somewhere in there! I can’t wait to connect with her again! Surely she’s different but if the look in her eyes comes back, maybe all wasn’t lost!
Credit to the wonderful Annie Immello, for making me feel comfortable during this photo shoot. Despite how I felt, she insisted I was gorgeous❤️
