Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Maybe this is step 1...

And my life has changed…over and over and over again.  The past 9 months have forced me to ride a really interesting roller coaster that I am just not sure that I was cut out for.  I am a little over 9 months past my first real heartbreak in life…the death of my mom….my best friend!  10 weeks later my dad died!  Here I am…attempting this really crazy thing called grief….I have no idea what it means and trust me, therapy hasn’t given me any insight!  Do I tell it like it is, YEP!  I do!  Therapy hasn’t helped….at least at this point it hasn’t!  Dying is a business…one that maybe one day I can talk about but for now just know that the business of dying sucks….no one wins, strangers are shady and if there is any money to be had….Good GOD, help us all!!!  Apparently business is where my parents thought I succeeded and let’s just be real….I hate it.  I have run the estate like a well oiled machine but my heart has broken with every singe document I have filed.  Schedule 1, Schedule 2, schedule 3….all the way to schedule 8, 9, 10,11 and so on and on….no-one watches and no one cares that the paper work breaks your heart over and over and over again!!!    Overtime I try to take a deep breath yet I feel guilty…I am struggling big time.  Holding on to every single little thing that I can and completely regretting ever single second!  If I had it within me, I would shed light on the unfairness…10 weeks that separated 2 lives…2 people who made their mark in such different ways!  When your dad dies 10 weeks after your mom…no one cares…that’s not meant to garner sympathy!  That’s the truth.  The response is different!  He was a proud man, one that would want no pomp and circumstance….but he was my dad!  And I was his baby girl!   As I was standing at the front of the room at my moms funeral, holding the whole weight, in front of flowers galore, I watched my dad walk in.  He was different….he had quickly changed with his health but he was still my daddy!  I remember that day, that moment like it was forever sealed in my heart….I walked quickly to my dad….black dress and black heels …money not well spent!  A fortune on the damn shoes and that dress….hundreds upon hundreds of dollars spent on looking perfect…for her….I was representing her!!!  And trust me, she was watching and judging…that’s just her!  And when my dad walked in…changed…with his cane…I lost it!  I ran to him!  I hugged him so hard and I said to him….”you can’t leave me too”.  Everyone was watching and I have a strong feeling that they were thinking the same thing…”don’t leave her”…  He did! 10 weeks later… he was gone!  I held a bedside vigil for my mom and my dad was gone with a simple phone call.  9am on a Monday morning…BOOM!  That’s it!   I have spent a lot of time riding emotions…letting others feelings impact mine!  I have heard that my mom…to me…wasn’t the same to others….I have felt guilty .  There has been a weight that both of my parents laid on me.  Do this, do that, make sure this, make sure that….I’m one person!  And I just wonder when and where I can grieve!  Their baby girl…the one who was closest to them…am I allowed to grieve too???

I spend a lot of time not sleeping when I should be!  Some days I can cry really really hard and some days I stare at the wall!  I am broken.  Last week while sitting at the table with my boys I was suddenly startled out of thoughts…my 7 year old, Aiden, said “Mommy, what are you thinking about?”  I had to shake my head…as I do often!  I shake the thought, I shake the fear, I shake the memories….is PTSD an insult when you haven’t served in a war zone?  because I hate to say I have it….I close my eyes and I see a breathing tube, I see her legs moving, I see the suction, I see her tears as she begged the doctor to listen intently….she didn’t…I begged them too!!!   I can see the flight crew, the machines, the blanket they draped her in to calm her fever, machines, medication, life support measures…..and let’s be honest…I see her body laying there…after Jeanie said she was gone….flashbacks happen!  A LOT….They happen a lot….they are like freezing headaches….things I have to “shake” from my memory!  Those weird headaches…  And most nights I lay in my bed sleepless!  Afraid to sleep!  The nightmares are tortuous!   once in almost 10 months has she come to me to talk and calm me…otherwise she is dying…every single time, she is dying…my dad?  Not yet!   He’s given me a break, I guess!  But most nights I see my mom sick…she is always sick… we always know she is dying!  I am not sure why I say we…it’s me!  Sleepless!  Nauseous!  Terrified and let’s be honest…I’m exhausted!  I am haunted!  By her breath, by his….by the story of his last moments…by the way she squeezed my hand.   By almost 10 months of life that I have no one to tell about!  By the drama behind the scenes.  By the change in my normal.  The change in me…the way I have completely shut down!  No one can fix me!  But when Aiden asks what I am thinking about???  All I can do is just say that’ it’s not what you think!  “I have no idea”   Is it Grammy?” he says….is it????  I have no clue!  “Mommy, maybe it’s grandpa?”  “Yep baby, this time… it’s grandpa!  My daddy!  I was his baby girl.  Do you know how much that meant?”  Of course he doesn’t….no one does….because he died 10 weeks after my mom…my precious mom!!!!  The social butterfly died right before the quiet storm!  That’s not a great story to tell!  That wasn’t a fair deal…2 lives that were forever intertwined but desperately separate!  They shared me and my sister and those memories…2 daughters who are opposites but both caught up in moving on!  Because that’s what everyone says we should do right??? Move on???  You won’t find me on the other side…just won’t!

Sunday, March 19, 2017

one step

I miss my blog.  I think about it often!  But I also have a life of crazy to deal with... and so my blog has been reduced to notes in my phone or on a scratch sheet of paper.  I'll be honest.  I struggle to sleep.  I have spent many nights laying awake in the bed, on the couch, pacing the floor and sometimes taking a few xanax in hopes that I can close my eyes and maybe function a few hours later.  Life doesn't wait.  grief doesn't wait either.  

May I?  May I tell you a story?  A story about the girl who is grieving?  A story about how no-one  wants to sit with the girl who is grieving.  It's not a sad story.  It's a true story.  A story about life and about experience....potentially the one you will never hear.  It's masked by life and by the perception of the "un-greived".  It's a story about 2 elephants.  2 big, huge, pink, dead elephants sitting in a room!  And then theres me....sitting on top of them.  I'm the girl whose parents died!  Hi...I'm Me...Teresa! I'm not weird or scary but my folks died...simultaneously...boom boom.  Yep, I said it....one died and then the other!  It's odd...it's uncomfortable.  You don't know what to say.  I get it!  I have no idea what to say either....but the looks, the avoidance, the people who see me out and turn the other way..,I get it!  
You can ignore me, you can move on, you can encourage me to resume my past life....to show up...to answer your call, your text...by God Teresa what happened to you???  I wish I knew.  
I've changed...and so have you.... you see me differently.  Dare I say "mom" or "dad" and you are instantly uncomfortable.  But that is exactly what I want to talk about....both mom and dad....2 people who loved me, believed in me, and gave me their all.  If you have ever liquidated your best friends life then please tell me...but...NO....I am not the same.  I never will be!  I have changed....I have a broader perspective.  I will never be the same...never!!!  I don't feel the need to explain.
  Are you back? they ask... No, and I never will be back.  I am different.  I am changed.  I am the girl in the middle of the room, trying her best not to draw attention to herself but the one who is sitting on 2 pink dead elephants in the room... Guess what??? they aren't going anywhere.  There are dead....they are huge...there is no way around them....Ya'll it happened!  Life continues for each and every one of you...my life is now defined by before and after.  Yet they sit there...dead!  It's not going to change and you will never know what to say!  
So, may I answer your questions???  NO....No, I am not ok.  No, I am not back.  I have no idea what i will feel in the next 15 seconds so I can assure you that I have no idea what I will feel tomorrow. 
Let me re-introduce myself....I'm Teresa!!!  Hi....the girl that no-one wants to talk to....the girl who is grieving and that is awkward.  I promise you that grief isn't contagious...if you bring them up, I won't self combust and guess what???  you won't die either!!!  But they will still exist...or at least their memory will...if I say their name, I promise you won't die too....you won't "catch it".
I have minimized myself to a liar.  Yes, I said it.  I am a huge liar.  "how are you?"  I will lie to your face...why?? well because the bottom line is that you really don't care.   That's a pleasantry....How am I????  I'm awful.  I'm struggling.  I wish it was me!!!...but let's be real...that's not what you want to hear...that's weird and uncomfortable.  The truth is silencing....it's a big fat pink elephant...it's obvious!  How could it not be?  But no one wants to talk about it.
Mom and Dad will sit here with me...I talk to them often!  I cry for them often!  I've changed!  I'll never be the same!  Some days my change is shocking and somedays I realize that life is a mold...it shapes you!  Without it....without real life, we are left to perception.  That can be scary...Perception isn't reality...it's what you make it.  Right now perception is experience and that's not mine to make!!  But I will ride...I'll take it!  I'll trust that GOD is leading me somewhere!  With my elephants...in one piece!!!