Here we are...back to where it all started a year ago. I usually look forward to our big vacation in Charleston and although I am ready for some good food and a low key week, I am hesitant of all that comes with it. Our trip is a week later this year...last year, I talked with my mom multiple times. She wasn't feeling well but it wasn't uncommon that we didn't talk multiple times a day while I was on vacation. Leif isn't home much, so mom was overly cautious with interrupting family time. I talked to mom on Wednesday and she was winded. She wasn't feeling well. I told her to rest, don't over do it and to call me if she needed anything. "I can leave in an instant" I said. The next call I received was a frantic call from my moms best friend. Long story short...once I hung up with her she called 911...she was that bad but wouldn't tell me. Mom assured me she was fine. I offered to cut my vacation short several times...she was insistent that I didn't. Between that Thursday and her death, almost a month later, a novel was written. A story to be told one day...just not right now. From that frantic phone call on, life changed...my life was flipped upside down. Everything is foreign and my tolerance for ignorance no longer exists. I have lost every single piece of myself that is recognizable since this time last year. I've lost most of my hair. Gained over 30lbs and have lived from the 16th to the 16th of every month. Another month without her...gone. Time just really doesn't exist in these unfamiliar terms.
Nightmares are common for me...in fact, a night without seeing my mothers dead body is pretty rare. Insomnia has become my friend...we think together, plan together and sometimes we panic together. But last night was different. I struggled to sleep which isn't rare...but as I began to drift off to the point where your anxious thoughts meet an unfamiliar friend of relaxation, I heard a voice. A very familiar voice. It was my mom. She said something profound...something I needed to hear from her but I hate myself for not leaping out of bed writing it down....it's lost on me now, but that sleepless night isn't. I heard her loud and clear. The rest of my night was spent analyzing her words until exhaustion took over and now my memory fails me.
So here I am. About to relive Groundhog Day. Knowing me, I will terrorize myself with every single memory. Every word. Every tear. Every beep of that machine will haunt me. It can't be a full year, can it? The nightmare is on replay and there is no pause button!
Forgive me as I relive it. And then 10 weeks later
I relive the sudden death of my father. They say I'll get better. They say it's a process. What do they know anyway???? #sabolstrong
No comments:
Post a Comment