After her death I struggled with awful nightmares. Ones where I would wake up terrified to go back to sleep, I'd wake up screaming, tears streaming down my face and the experience would stay with me all day until it was time to meet the madness again! For over a full year, I would dream about her death. About the way she looked, how she struggled, the tubes, the cords, the machines and her body's response to what was happening. The dreams were ugly and incredibly unforgiving. I hated sleep and couldn't find an escape when every part of my being was tired. I'm not an expert and my experience isn't special or groundbreaking, but for me, there has been a huge amount of trauma that was associated with what happened to my mom. There are some things that you just can't "unsee". In my limited experience, caring for someone on life support is not what you see on TV. Some moments were peaceful and then there were others that will haunt me forever. Those memories are the ones that I don't talk about to anyone. The images and the description of what I experienced are a sure signal to the uncontrollable tears. I can tell the story a million ways and I will always leave out the gruesome details...my job, my most important duty and final deed to her in those final days, was to ensure that she died with dignity regardless of what I had to do, see or feel...and she died with the most dignity that could have possibly been granted given the situation! I'm working to be at Peace with that!
But last night....with almost 18 months in between our last connection...we spoke again!
I have the most precious voicemail saved from her. It starts with "Hey Sweetie, it's me"...last night, a rather sleepless night, I finally dozed off around 6:30 am...I guess that's morning...it was my first deep sleep of the night so for me, it was still late night! The phone rang and in the most lucid feeling while still sleeping it all seemed so real. I was driving and "Mom" came over my bluetooth screen...I answered reluctantly...."Hey Sweetie, it's me"... exactly like the voicemail. The one I have listened to over and over and over again. The one I just let Aiden listen to for the first time the other day. EXACTLY THE SAME. Except this time the rest was different..."Teresa, you there? It's mom"
Don't wake up, don't wake up, don't wake up....I was literally begging myself to stay asleep! She knew it. It was like my subconscious, my conscious, my dreams and my reality were all in sync.
"Teresa, you will wake up but this is real. Right now, this is real. Talk to me." and so I did! I hung on every single word. She was there and I was back. I had my person and we talked. All of the things that I tell no one, I told her! It was like we never missed a beat! I had so much to say and yet half of it I couldn't remember once I awoke! But in my dream, there was this odd feeling of reality that never left when I woke up. It was real enough. She knew enough. I could speak freely, be me, vent, worry, boast and then beg...beg for the unreal to be real...because in a way it was so real. She knows too much. Our conversation will carry me through to the next one. I'll obsess and replay every detail that I can remember, until she gives me more. But her words will stay close to my heart because I know that's where she wants them!
Somehow, deep down I know how, but somehow she knows every intricacy of my mind and my heart! Every quirk, every insecurity and every struggle. All of the things that weigh me down that aren't worth talking about to anyone else, she already knew! And still, somehow, she knew how to make it all ok. Even if for just a second, it was all ok! She was her and I was me...the way we should be! Not the way the world made us through this process...we were just mother and daughter...chatting on the phone! Best Friends! Two souls that will forever be connected even if it is just in my dreams. Everything is different but nothing has really changed! I'll always answer her call! Always have, Always will!!!
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