Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Tick tock...

Deployment time is knocking on the door and we are trying to be as prepared as possible and really make the most of our time with Daddy!

Some days I feel like my mind is a 1000 piece puzzle and I am desperate to find my 4 corners to make some sense of the madness!  I am pretty sure my "to-do" list will never end and I will continue to "provide" for Leif even when he is on deployment!  I am certain his shopping options are limited on a war ship :-). Along with my never ending list of things to do, I am dealing with some crazy emotions.  Some are selfish (what about me?) and some are heartbreaking (what about my kids?)!  Aiden asked the other day if "daddy was leaving forever"...NO!  But it is sure going to feel like it.  I am not 3 and I am having a hard time with it so I can only imagine what his little heart and mind are feeling!
I have done really well being strong and supportive but tonight I just couldn't stop the flood of tears.  I am not sure what it was...maybe I am overwhelmed with all of the "puzzle" pieces, maybe I am tired, scared, stressed, anxious, nervous????  Maybe it was the fact that Aiden looked at me tonight with Leif standing right next to him and said "mommy, is Daddy going to come home tomorrow?" Its likehe couldn't   bear to hear the news from Leif  so he asked me but I just felt a lump in my throat!  I don't want to answer those questions.  There are days where I can handle it and days where I can't!  Sometimes I feel like supermom and others I am just super scared!  I just don't want him to go but he is going!  I have to remind myself of a conversation I had with Aiden in the grocery store.  There is a difference between what we want and what we need!  Although we may want 5 boxes of fruit snacks, we don't need them!  I certainly don't want to recap my children's life in a daily email, I don't want Leif to watch them grow up through pictures I send each day, I don't want Easton to one day say "who is daddy", I don't want to have to hold my little boy as he sobs for Daddy...but I will because Leif needs me to!  I will complete the puzzle here on the home front because I need to for the sake of my family...I may not like it, enjoy it, or want to do the dirty work but I will do the best damn job I can...be mommy and daddy, snuggle and punish, teach them to be tough and kiss boos boos when needed...whatever it takes until Daddy gets home...

No comments:

Post a Comment