A very sweet reunion

The man in our house is home after over 8 months at sea and we couldn't be happier.  His homecoming was highly anticipated and wrapping my arms around him was everything I had hoped it would be…perfection!
My day started with a great workout in order to release some anxiety and keep myself busy.  Once I came home I got busy making the house look perfect for his arrival!

Once the house was ready, I got myself and the boys all ready to finally see daddy.  Some people may think it is silly but I wanted to wear the perfect outfit.  I wanted to look great for my husband and I wanted our boys to look handsome…they had both changed so much in 8 months…I had too!  We wanted Daddy to be in awe of us…

Once we were ready to go we hopped in the car and headed to the airport…way ahead of schedule!  I didn't want to take any chances….Once at the airport we had a good amount of time to kill so we headed into the USO kids room and let Aiden play a little…

While we were waiting we were able to get some additional information on how the process works…the passengers come off of the plane and walk through a glass hallway as they head downstairs to customs and immigration as well as baggage claim.  So depending on which way Leif exited the plane we would have a chance to see him through the glass but we wouldn't be able to hug him yet…

After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, we got word that the plane was on it's way in….we decided to wait at the window in order to get the first glimpse possible of Daddy's plane…

There it is...

Now we had to wait some more…It was so hard to make Aiden understand that we couldn't just run out on the tarmac, get on the plane, and get daddy…I honestly couldn't understand it myself!  As the passengers started down the hallway we were so excited to get a glimpse of Daddy…

Our friend Tom spotted Leif at a different window than I was at and I seriously TOOK OFF RUNNING!  I grabbed Aiden and Easton and we started banging on the window to get Leif's attention…this was our first look at each other….

My favorite <3

I really wish I could find the right words to describe this moment.  It was amazing…to see him, standing there, smiling, waving…so so close to us!  I couldn't touch him yet but he was HOME…he was OURS again!  My eyes were locked on him and I couldn't smile big enough.  I was beyond thrilled.  As I backed away from the window with the boys I looked down at Aiden and his eyes said it all…he was in tears…happy tears…tears of excitement…tears of joy…tears of accomplishment!  He's 4….in that moment I couldn't even contain myself…my sweet 4 year old is crying tears of JOY!!!  That says everything that I can not!

We spent a lot of time staring at Daddy through the window…

Once Daddy was no longer visible we headed downstairs to wait for him to come out….the wait was torturous…

Talking to Daddy while he waits in line...

waiting for word that he cleared customs

any moment

As I held the boys and walked toward the front I saw the glass doors open and he walked through…."there he is" I said to Aiden and we both took off toward him….Leif immediately dropped down to embrace Aiden and then we were able to hug him all together as a family!!!  It was amazing to hold him and kiss him...

The boys had changed so much…

Aiden WOULD NOT let go…

Our family is whole again…we did it…we survived and we thrived!!!!  All is right in the world for us….we are so happy to have daddy home!  We are back to normal now…just being a family!

How? You just do...

I get the same question often.  It's a question that I really wish I had someone to ask or maybe a guideline or book to follow when I was facing 260+ days of deployment without my best friend, soulmate, co-parent...my husband!  Lets be real...your other half is so much more than just a helping hand at bath time...and if that is all they are good for to you, well,  you are reading the wrong blog!  So the question of "how do you do it?" Is one that I can not answer for you, I can tell you why and it is very simple...here is my why..

The how is not so simple.  The moments leading up to goodbye and the first few days after the goodbye are something that I really can't wrap my head around now that I have crossed about 200 days off of the calendar.  Staring at 9 months hindered my ability to swallow, to breathe deeply, or to even sleep soundly.  Who am I without my husband?  Tough question for sure but the answer was even harder to swallow!  I didn't know who I was!  The TRUTH is hard but very sobering.  I was lost.  Here is the ugly truth...I lost 10lbs right away...I didn't even know what hunger felt like.  My hair fell out and the look of exhaustion and stress was staring back at me every time I looked in the mirror.  Can I do this?  Can we do this?  Why did we do this?  Will he be ok?  Will he make it home?  

I lost a lot of sleep.  Yes, I had an infant to care for and an almost 4 year old and although the physical exhaustion was like nothing I have ever felt, I couldn't really sleep.  Every time I closed my eyes and drifted off, I was greeted with a different nightmare.  Some nights I heard the sobs of my children asking for daddy, other nights I swore I heard that dreaded knock at the door.  On several occasions I flew out of bed to check the front door because the nightmare was so real!  Some of them were so vivid that I woke up in fear...maybe that really happened?  Where am I?  What day is this?  I had indepth conversations with our friends while they tried to comfort me, yet those conversations only really happened in my sleep.  On a few occasions I would get emails that said "you won't hear from me for a while, everything is ok...watch the news".  

I wanted to hear from him.  The lack of contact scared me.   If I could just hear his voice I would know everything was ok.  But sometimes the sound of his voice was so telling.  He is feeling a ton of guilt and so am I.  It was heartbreaking to hear him sound so down but I know that part of my "job" as a military spouse and supportive wife is to do my best to make him feel great about what he is doing and not let him dwell on what he isn't doing at home.  There is no doubt that although I carry the responsibility of everything at home, he has it so much harder!  I am living our life for the both of us and he is living it through pictures.

I am not 100% certain of much when it comes to the military but I am with out a doubt 100% sure that every person handles a deployment differently and what works for me will not be exactly what works for others but the bottom line is that we have all in some way felt a similar feeling, fear, or stress yet the ways we chose to handle that stress can vary greatly.  

I am a doer...when Leif left I grabbed my schedule and booked it as much as possible.  I didn't turn down opportunities to go somewhere or do something.  I didn't allow myself to make deployment or "solo" parenting my excuse.  In fact, the very thought that I could not do something because I had 2 kids with no help was my exact motivation to go and do anything and everything.  We did amusement parks, museums, the beach, the pool, 2 eight hour road trips, shopping, parties, cleaning...you name it...we did it!  Being busy worked for me but it also wore me down.  Eventually I crashed and was told by my doctor that I was headed for an ulcer.  

On top of the everyday activities, there was also a ton of mental activity.  I stress and worry about my kids, my parenting, the decisions I make, and the future decisions that we have to make.  There were many moments where I sat in the floor and cried, many moments where I felt like I had failed as a parent.  Moments where I really needed a break and immediately felt guilty for being selfish.   I went months without a moment to myself...literally!  I didn't even get to use the bathroom alone unless it was for a 3 am potty break before nursing a crying baby...is that privacy?  I remember some of the heartbreaking questions from my 4 year old.  "Mommy will you be happy again when Daddy gets home?"  "Mommy will you still be here when I wake up?"  It broken heart and still brings tears toy eyes to think of my 4 year olds fear of abandonment, uncertainty, and worry for his mommy.  

Then I ask myself...am I a mom first or am I a wife first?  You can't help but feel a disconnect between yourself and your spouse.  How do you maintain a relationship through email and short phone calls?  When he comes home where will I fit in?  Sounds strange, but seriously?  I have 2 little boys who miss Daddy terribly and will want his undivided attention.  I have a husband who is beyond exhausted and living on an average of 4 hours of sleep for the past 8.5 months.  He has his kids, his wife, his family, his friends, his home responsibilities and his job all waiting for him to come home.  Yes, there is still a job to be done even when he isn't deployed.  He doesn't come home to an 8.5 month vacay.  I know I am a priority but the reality of homecoming is that he will be pulled in a million different directions and all I want is to just lock us up in this house and be selfish (with room service)!!  Most people in our life won't understand that, they will want a piece of him too...hah who am I kidding, some family members haven't even called once to check on us...or him…yet they will miraculously appear once he is back!  Maybe I am not so selfish.  Maybe they are the selfish ones??  But others, those who have been there for us, will want to engage in the excitement of him being home...and I want that for them too!  

In some ways I blinked and almost 8 months have passed and in other ways it was like I could feel each second tick slowly by.  Time apart is a very funny thing...I almost forget what it is like to have him here.  I forget about having to accommodate another person, plan using someone else's schedule, and discuss my day verbally with another adult while having dinner.  I eat standing up, I come and go a million times a day, and I always know that I am coming home to an empty house, an empty bed, and no other car in the drive way.  When my kids are in bed, I clean, workout, and go to bed.  I forget what it is like to snuggle, to laugh with my husband, to be silly and to truly be happy...however I do not forget how all of those actions make me feel.  I know, now more than ever, the amazing impact that my husband has on me.  I will never forget how it feels to laugh uncontrollably with him, how it feels to talk about our deepest thoughts knowing that no judgement is passed, how it feels to get lost in his arms, and how it feels to be incredibly, outwardly, and obviously in love.  I am so close to experiencing all of those simple little life moments again and the thought of our "normal" is really how I do it.

Here's how...

I share a lot on my blog, I share a lot in my life…it's just the way I am.  I am not a super private or reserved person because I feel like life is what it is…the good, the bad, the crazy, the embarrassing…I am an open book and that is the bottom line.

I believe that Leif and I have a pretty solid relationship…one that took a lot of work to build…one that isn't perfect by any stretch but it is perfect for the two of us.  I never envisioned, dreamt, or even wanted to be a Navy wife.  I fought it for a very long time.  Sometimes, when I am overwhelmed and tired, I still fight it.  But I am in it for as long as WE are in the NAVY and I am in it with all that I have!

Throughout this deployment I have heard this one question/comment at least once a day.   "How do you do it" or "I don't know how you do it"…One day, when I have the time to really write and reflect I will try to give all of my reasons, secrets, tricks or whatever you want to call it…but for tonight I will share with you one of the biggest motivations that I have.  This is a personal email from my husband on the night before Thanksgiving.  I wrote him about a comment that Aiden made that went along the lines of "I wish daddy were here so that he could…".  I told Leif that I immediately welled up with tears and I am sure that those words stung Leif in the same way….here is the email I received back along with the attachment he sent.  I share this only to give a little perspective to those who may not understand, to those who wonder how I do it, to those who wish they could read the mind of a service member who has "chosen" to leave their family...or to those who have absolutely no sense of duty and are completely selfless, take notes (yes, I said it)…THESE WORDS and RAW EMOTION are what keep me going and make me so incredibly proud of my husband!!!

Hey baby,

Have a wonderful time!  I wrote the attachment tonight while thinking how much I wanted to be home with you and the boys!  Sometimes I have to put it into perspective to make myself understand.  I love you so much!  Eat some turkey and drink a couple cold ones for me.  But most importantly, hold our boys.  Hug them as tightly and kiss them as much as you can for me!  I will be home soon! 

Love you!

Daddy

Attachment:

Teresa, 

I am thankful…

As I sit here and type on the eve of Thanksgiving, I have many thoughts running through my mind.  I really want to be home with my family!  My beautiful wife, and my 2 wonderful young boys.  But I cant.  I am here out in the ocean, thousands of miles away from home.  Thousands of miles away from putting up the Christmas tree with you and Aiden.  This was Aiden’s first time really helping and I missed it!  Thousands of miles away from the Thanksgiving eve preparations of making sure everything is ready to go for the next day.  Thousands of miles away from sitting and holding hands with you.  Thousands of miles away from playing with the boys.  Thousands of miles away from my parents who will come to visit.  It hurts not to be there.  But, as I look into it further I am reminded of why I am here.  I am here with many of my shipmates, thousands of miles away, so that the every day threats to our great country, that many take for granted, are not in our own backyards.  We are out here executing the maritime strategy in order to keep our loved ones safe and happy and safe on Thanksgiving.  And for that, I am thankful.

The Navy conducts its mission every single day regardless of weekend or holiday.  When war breaks, the Navy is the first on the scene pave the way for our other brothers in arms.  The Navy continues to provide support for the mission in Afghanistan.  When Syria gasses its own people, the Navy is there, as a force to ensure further acts of disgrace do not happen again.  When Mother Nature strikes, the Navy is first on the scene to provide humanitarian relief.  When Iran threatens to close the most critical strait in the world, the Navy is there.

The Navy supports not only America, but many of our allies and assets around the world.  To support this mission we are required to be so far away from home.  I have navigated the waters of the Atlantic Ocean, English Channel, Dover Strait, Strait of Gibraltar, Mediterranean Sea, Suez Canal, Gulf of Suez, Gulf of Aqaba, Red Sea, Bab al Mandeb Strait, Gulf of Aden, Arabian Sea, Gulf of Oman, Strait of Hormuz, and the Arabian Gulf.  I have been to Netherlands, Saudi Arabia, Israel, Jordan, Oman, Djibouti, Yemen, and UAE.

I have sat in the Red Sea waiting to exercise the right of freedom.  I have patrolled the Gulf of Aden, Horn of Africa, and Arabian Sea ready to engage pirates and smugglers.  I have operated off the coast of Iran conducting missions unsaid.  I have operated a US Warship and worked together with the likes of the Russians, Germans, Saudi Arabians, Chinese, Japanese, Italians, French, Pakistanis, Jordanians, Israelis, British, and the list goes on.

While I would give most anything to be home with you and the boys celebrating, I am celebrating here, thousands of miles away.  I am celebrating because I know that my family is safe.  I am proud and honored to serve America and my family.  Today and always I am thankful…

I love you!  Have a happy and safe Thanksgiving!  I will be home soon enough.

Leif    

And THAT is how I do it!  What an example he is to me and to our boys!  I know, I know…LUCKY ME!!!!

Best part of the day...

Every night while putting Aiden to bed I ask him what the best part of his day was.  I love to hear the things that make an impression on him.  Some days are so jam packed that I really wonder what he may remember and I am often surprised and impressed by some of his responses.  Trust me, this nightly routine isn't anything unique or creative as I am sure many people have their own way of giving their highlights of the day but this is ours.

I thought I would document the best part of my day today.  Not because anything earth shattering happened but because I want to remember this journey and the ebb and flow of deployment.  The best part of my day was a phone call from Leif.  While a phone call is always nice, it usually consists of a lot of "what was that?" "can you say that again" "are you there" "hold on" "I can't hear you""can you talk louder"  "Aiden, please be silent, I can't hear daddy"...On one hand I often can't hear because Leif calls me between 1am-2am, his time when, he is ending his day and his roommate is asleep.  He has been known to wake up in the middle of a sleep just because it is easier to get a connection off the ship.  He wakes up, calls us, and heads back to bed...only to get up around 5:30 or 6:00 am...yes, his days are long!  I also have trouble hearing because the connection is horrible and that is only when he can get a connection which is also unreliable.  There is usually a 5-8 second delay which makes an actual conversation very tricky and filled with very delayed responses on both ends.  And lets be real...with 2 kids on my end, silence isn't commonplace!  But today Leif called while Aiden was in school, Easton was asleep and the ship was in port which meant a little less commotion.

So today we talked...I mean, we really talked.  Kind of like he was sitting right here but he wasn't.  We laughed, we had time to tell stories, uninterrupted, and without a rush.  I tried to give him a glimpse into Easton's personality through stories, shared with him some of my conversations with Aiden and his questions about Daddy.  Phone calls are tough...trying to figure out what is worthy of his short time...what do you say to your spouse/bestfriend when you aren't sure when the next time you are going to talk to them is or when the phone will disconnect you.  I usually try to spit out all of E's milestones, what A did that day and ask any questions that I need immediate answers to.  Today, we just conversed and I felt like we reconnected.  For me, that seems to be my silent struggle.  How do I feel connected to someone that is so far away.  I often think about what he is missing and what I am missing...what he is missing is without a doubt the greater of the sacrifices (our children growing up) but I am missing something that leaves me feeling unfulfilled.  While I am surrounded by the most amazing support system, I am also incredibly lonely!  I try very hard not to cry but every so often I almost can't choke back the tears.  I just miss him!
In some ways, our silly conversation today was like a filler...almost like a "fix a flat"...it doesn't repair the tire but it will do for now.  The moments we had today won't fix my emptiness, it won't put him next to me in bed tonight but it did give me a little boost.  I felt like I was able to just be me...Teresa...not mommy, not bill payer, "what can I send you" sayer, daily scheduler, problem solver, run the roads until its done woman, fix it, fake it, do as much as you can in one day momma...but Teresa.  I was able to tell him about me and hear about him.  His journey, his struggles, what's been good and what's been bad.  We talked about the "key" to our success.  How we are going to get through the holidays apart and how we will feel when all of this is over.  In Leif's words:  "If we can get through the next 2 months of holidays, we can get through anything"  I've heard that before...why would this time be anything different!  He's concerned about me, and what he can do for me and I am concerned about him not being concerned!  "I've got this" and I do...even if I didn't I wouldn't tell him...but really "I do"!   We talked about his homecoming and how awesome it is going to be to just hold each other....and realistically how hard it is going to be...no one ever thinks of that...I have been the boss, I run this house, I make every single decision for all of us...I eat, sleep and breathe my children without his help...he can't parent over the phone and I wouldn't ask him to...he has enough going on...but when he comes home you don't just revert back to the way things were 9 months earlier...EVERYONE will have to adjust and it won't happen over night!  But talking today, it was so seamless.  I honestly felt like a kid in a candy store and when we got off the phone I felt different.  Reconnected to my man, reconnected to myself!  I needed it.  I needed that push.  I needed to feel connected to him and emails just weren't cutting it.  I needed to hear his voice loud and clear.  I needed to hear his perspective.  I needed to hear him laugh and be carefree and today, I did.  That was the best part of my day!!!