Happy Birthday Easton

To my sweet baby E,
What just happened?  Seriously???  How did a year go by in the blink of an eye?  This has probably been the best, busiest, most stressful, challenging, rewarding, hardest year of my life.  A year that I would not change for anything in the whole world because you, my sweet little silly boy, have managed to make me smile every single day.  I have finished every single night with the same simple words.  Thank You God for my 2 sweet boys, Aiden and Easton.
You were planned for, prayed for, fought for, waited for and worth every single second of it.  It is so hard to sit back and think that at 21 weeks pregnant you scared us all with your desire to meet us and then how patient you were after 41 weeks in the womb and 30 hours of labor you finally decided to make your grand entrance and it is not shocking that you didn't even cry!  When Daddy placed you on my chest you just looked up at me with those sweet eyes…you were content and not a thing has changed!

You are without a doubt the most easy going baby I have ever met.  As a baby you would lay in your chair, your swing, your bassinet, my arms or your boppy and just drift of too sleep.  We could watch your little eyes get heavier and heavier and then you would just drift off to sleepy sweetness.  Just like your brother, you are not a fan of sleeping through the night.  Every so often you will but it isn't something you want to make a habit of.  You will do a good stretch of sleep but I think you miss me in the middle of the night and the truth is, I miss you too!

When you came out at 8lbs 7 ounces, everyone in the room was shocked.  You were measuring so small in all of the ultrasounds and I only gained 12lbs but somehow you managed to beef up!  You were such a chubby baby and it was so darn cute.  You had more rolls on your arms and legs than the michelin man…Daddy and I would also laugh at how chubby you were…this one picture in particular is a favorite of ours….

Our first night home is the only time in your whole life where you were inconsolable.  For some strange reason you would not latch…you cried and cried and cried.  Finally I pumped some milk, dumped it on my chest and BOOM you were latched!  From then on you have been the most efficient breastfeeder ever.  You latch and are done in less than 5 minutes.  I was also so nervous that you weren't getting enough but by the looks of you, I think you are getting your share…

On my birthday, April 15, you gifted us with your first smile…and you have not stopped smiling yet!  You are always happy.  You laugh, squint your eyes and nose, giggle and give us that wide mouthed grin all of the time!  You are so incredibly happy.  You make it hard for anyone in your presence to not be warmed by your constant happiness!  You find the smallest things hilarious.  You and your brother have such a contagious laugh that you two will sit together for what seems like an hour and just laugh at each others laugh!!!  You wake up with a smile and even sometimes smile in your sleep!  You are so FULL of personality.

You are such an independent little guy.  You never liked to be spoon fed so I handed the spoon over to you and you were happy to attempt to feed yourself.  You are into everything and you put everything in your mouth!  Your brother was never that way so mommy has to be very very careful.  There isn't much that makes you mad, however you will throw the biggest fit if you find dog food and I take it away from you.  You LOVE dog food BLAH!!!  I have to feed you and Buddy at the same time because you will not let him eat his own food!!!  Buddy never complains though because he knows that you always feed him when you are in your high chair!  The sound of your sweet walk almost brings a smile to my face.  I can tell when you are doing something or getting ready to do something you aren't supposed to do…you go from a pitter patter to a full on elephant stampede…whether it be the dog bowl left unattended or the gate to the stairs left open…you find something enticing and completely dangerous and go right for it!  Even better is when you know you are about to get caught…you laugh and laugh and laugh.  There is no such thing as "no" to you…you just laugh at me and shake your head "no"!!!


I am so amazed at how sweet, loving, happy content and just plain lovable you are.  You steal the heart of everyone you meet!  I love you and your brother more than life itself and we are so blessed that there are so many others who love you boys as well.   I absolutely love it when others refer to you as "their boys"…I know it is out of pure love for you!  The purest and sweetest love is that love between you and your brothers.  I intend to do a separate post on that but let me just tell you that you two love each other so much.  You safe your biggest smiles and your deepest laughs for your big brother.  There is no one that lights up your eyes more than him.  You always give me a wonderful smile in the morning but it is nothing compared to the excitement you exude when you see Aiden.  He brings out the best in you..and you bring out the absolute best of him.  You two loved to play in the pillows and laugh your little heads off.

   The Good Lord knew that this year was going to be challenging for me and Thankfully he Blessed me with such a wonderful little man!  I have looked forward to this month and dreaded it all the same.  I don't want you to grow up too fast.  Your daddy has missed so much that for some reason the big 1st Birthday just seemed too much for me to bear.  But it's here and I feel like together, my sweet boy, we have accomplished something amazing!  We did it together…both of us missing so much.  So much that you probably don't even know but unfortunately I was keeping counts.  I followed your every move with a camera in hand to capture each and every aspect of your movements, your personality, and your daily routine!  There were many nights that I felt a guilt so strong that I Prayed for some sort of internal peace.  Yet you…..you have lived this past year like happiness was the only way.  That a smile was the only emotion you knew and patience was given to you at conception.  You waited for me when I was frazzled, you knew when all I needed was an extra hour of sleep, and you (and your brother) so small, innocent and completely unaware of the weight on my shoulders, you got me through this most difficult time.  You boys allowed me to look like I was navigating this deployment with grace and a super power…but the secret is out…I am so lucky because you made it so easy on me.
I will never forget one significantly hard day….I planted myself on the floor and let the emotions release.  You came over, plopped down in my lap, looked up at my tear soaked face and whether you meant to or not, you reached up and wiped away a tear.  To you, it was probably out of curiosity but to me it was a sign!  We are in this together…and we did it!  Happy Birthday E!!!!  Mommy and Daddy love you with every fiber of our being.  Daddy will be home in 2 days…lets hope the next year is filled with double the fun…is that possible?…but hopefully it feels like it takes twice as long!

I love you Easton Edward Gunderson…I love you for all that you are…and all that I have become because of you!!!!  Happy First Birthday Baby Boy!!!!

Thoughtful

Have you ever heard the saying "it's the thought that counts"?  Thoughtful gestures have been so comforting to me while Leif was deployed... Whether it was a knock at the door with dinner or a gift in my mailbox that said "thinking of you" or even a simple text that said "how ya holding up", the thoughtfulness of others has been amazing.  I can't tell you how many times I have heard "It's just something small" or "it's a silly gift" or "I wish I could do something for you" and each and every time I am amazed at the effort and selflessness of my friends.  They will meet know how much they have really done for me...

"Cupid" made sure I was loved on Valentines (and the 4 days leading up)

Thanks cupid...Tara, Erin, Nicole, Abby, and Christy!

Tara and Micah surprised me with a "thank you for serving gift". To thank ME for my service here on the home front.  Tara knocked on the door and had a sweet speech (tears from both of us) and then handed me what she called "just something silly"...farthest thing from truth...it was beautiful and perfect...

How appropriate??? And Micah even decorated my bag...

These are just 2 really thoughtful gestures out of the many I have seen...so what I am really trying to say is...it's not just the thought that counts...it's having a thought and making it count!  Regardless of how small or silly it may seem to you...make your sweet thought COUNT!!!  You never know what it could mean to someone!!!  

Signs from the heart

When I finally got a fairly firm date for Leif's arrival, I immediately panicked!  I want everything to be perfect and felt slightly overwhelmed with my list of "to-do's". As usual, I was able to rely on my troops here in "the pepper".  A few ladies came over and we had a sign making event...I will let the finished products be a surprise on homecoming day but here are a few snaps of our fun night...

Pizza, wine, beer, sangria, messy hands and thoughtful, generous hearts!  Thank you ladies for ALL of your help.  There is no doubt that Leif will know that all of these signs came from the heart!!!

Kisses from Daddy

When Leif left I found it very hard to get Aiden to understand how long 9 months was...I honestly couldn't even fathom that kind of time without him but knew we had to find a way to "track" the time otherwise it was going to be a long 9 months of "is daddy coming he today?"

Another Navy mom gave me a wonderful suggestion that I think was age appropriating..."kisses from daddy". Everyday Aiden gets a kiss from Daddy...a sweet, yummy, and much anticipated kiss!  

When Daddy left Aiden and I sat down and counted out kisses...267 to be exact...we grouped in sets of 10 to make it easier for the both of us ;-). Once we had a kiss for everyday that Daddy was gone, it was time to redeem our first kiss...

Aiden gets to decide when he wants his kiss each day...sometimes with breakfast, sometimes I sneak it in his lunchbox, and I have come down the stairs several times after prayers at night because forgetting a Daddy kiss would be devastating!  These kisses represent time, routine, and in a small way they represent what we are missing from Daddy...those sweet kisses!

Soon...very soon...we will have the real deal!  We are running low on kisses...I can't wait for the days when there are only 2 kisses left...1 for Aiden and 1 for Daddy...that was Aiden's idea!!!

Almost out of kisses...

Just the 3 of us...

We aren't quite there yet but we are oh so close.  February is a short month which leads us into the Month where Daddy comes home to us.  I can not believe we have crossed 205 days off our calendar!  But we have and I am filled with more anticipation than I know what to do with!
Throughout the past 8 months I feel like I have spent a lot of time trying to document or capture moments for Leif…the downfall is that I am in very few of the pictures!  I am always the one taking the pictures of my kids being kids.  I wanted some pictures of me and the boys…my blessings, my best friends, my deep breaths everyday.  I wanted pictures to commemorate how much we have accomplished together, what we have overcome and as a testament to how important having each other to lean on has been!
Our amazing financial advisor just so happens to be a wonderful (and accomplished) photographer.  He offered to take some pre and post homecoming pictures of us…he put it best during our session when he said "you are literally immersed in your children"  Yes, Sir…I am!!!

When I look at a these pictures I see so many things…love, happiness, exhaustion…I see the past 8 months of strength…not just my strength but the strength that these 2 kiddos showed me.  There is no doubt that I am blessed…each night when I tuck them in bed I say out loud…"thank you God for these precious boys in my life"  They are my complete saving Grace…my EVERYTHING!!!

Thank you Marco for offering to capture these moments between a momma and her precious babies!  These mean more than you know…not just to me but to Leif as well!
If you need someone to help you plan for your future…help you prepare for your goals, your dreams or even for the unthinkable….Contact Marco Di Florio!!!  This man is the real deal…not a creepy sales guy…he is a very intelligent resource who has helped Leif and I make some very important decisions about our future and the future of our Children!!!

Marco Di Florio

• Office 757-628-1815
• Cell 757-729-8014
• http://www.marcodiflorio.com

How? You just do...

I get the same question often.  It's a question that I really wish I had someone to ask or maybe a guideline or book to follow when I was facing 260+ days of deployment without my best friend, soulmate, co-parent...my husband!  Lets be real...your other half is so much more than just a helping hand at bath time...and if that is all they are good for to you, well,  you are reading the wrong blog!  So the question of "how do you do it?" Is one that I can not answer for you, I can tell you why and it is very simple...here is my why..

The how is not so simple.  The moments leading up to goodbye and the first few days after the goodbye are something that I really can't wrap my head around now that I have crossed about 200 days off of the calendar.  Staring at 9 months hindered my ability to swallow, to breathe deeply, or to even sleep soundly.  Who am I without my husband?  Tough question for sure but the answer was even harder to swallow!  I didn't know who I was!  The TRUTH is hard but very sobering.  I was lost.  Here is the ugly truth...I lost 10lbs right away...I didn't even know what hunger felt like.  My hair fell out and the look of exhaustion and stress was staring back at me every time I looked in the mirror.  Can I do this?  Can we do this?  Why did we do this?  Will he be ok?  Will he make it home?  

I lost a lot of sleep.  Yes, I had an infant to care for and an almost 4 year old and although the physical exhaustion was like nothing I have ever felt, I couldn't really sleep.  Every time I closed my eyes and drifted off, I was greeted with a different nightmare.  Some nights I heard the sobs of my children asking for daddy, other nights I swore I heard that dreaded knock at the door.  On several occasions I flew out of bed to check the front door because the nightmare was so real!  Some of them were so vivid that I woke up in fear...maybe that really happened?  Where am I?  What day is this?  I had indepth conversations with our friends while they tried to comfort me, yet those conversations only really happened in my sleep.  On a few occasions I would get emails that said "you won't hear from me for a while, everything is ok...watch the news".  

I wanted to hear from him.  The lack of contact scared me.   If I could just hear his voice I would know everything was ok.  But sometimes the sound of his voice was so telling.  He is feeling a ton of guilt and so am I.  It was heartbreaking to hear him sound so down but I know that part of my "job" as a military spouse and supportive wife is to do my best to make him feel great about what he is doing and not let him dwell on what he isn't doing at home.  There is no doubt that although I carry the responsibility of everything at home, he has it so much harder!  I am living our life for the both of us and he is living it through pictures.

I am not 100% certain of much when it comes to the military but I am with out a doubt 100% sure that every person handles a deployment differently and what works for me will not be exactly what works for others but the bottom line is that we have all in some way felt a similar feeling, fear, or stress yet the ways we chose to handle that stress can vary greatly.  

I am a doer...when Leif left I grabbed my schedule and booked it as much as possible.  I didn't turn down opportunities to go somewhere or do something.  I didn't allow myself to make deployment or "solo" parenting my excuse.  In fact, the very thought that I could not do something because I had 2 kids with no help was my exact motivation to go and do anything and everything.  We did amusement parks, museums, the beach, the pool, 2 eight hour road trips, shopping, parties, cleaning...you name it...we did it!  Being busy worked for me but it also wore me down.  Eventually I crashed and was told by my doctor that I was headed for an ulcer.  

On top of the everyday activities, there was also a ton of mental activity.  I stress and worry about my kids, my parenting, the decisions I make, and the future decisions that we have to make.  There were many moments where I sat in the floor and cried, many moments where I felt like I had failed as a parent.  Moments where I really needed a break and immediately felt guilty for being selfish.   I went months without a moment to myself...literally!  I didn't even get to use the bathroom alone unless it was for a 3 am potty break before nursing a crying baby...is that privacy?  I remember some of the heartbreaking questions from my 4 year old.  "Mommy will you be happy again when Daddy gets home?"  "Mommy will you still be here when I wake up?"  It broken heart and still brings tears toy eyes to think of my 4 year olds fear of abandonment, uncertainty, and worry for his mommy.  

Then I ask myself...am I a mom first or am I a wife first?  You can't help but feel a disconnect between yourself and your spouse.  How do you maintain a relationship through email and short phone calls?  When he comes home where will I fit in?  Sounds strange, but seriously?  I have 2 little boys who miss Daddy terribly and will want his undivided attention.  I have a husband who is beyond exhausted and living on an average of 4 hours of sleep for the past 8.5 months.  He has his kids, his wife, his family, his friends, his home responsibilities and his job all waiting for him to come home.  Yes, there is still a job to be done even when he isn't deployed.  He doesn't come home to an 8.5 month vacay.  I know I am a priority but the reality of homecoming is that he will be pulled in a million different directions and all I want is to just lock us up in this house and be selfish (with room service)!!  Most people in our life won't understand that, they will want a piece of him too...hah who am I kidding, some family members haven't even called once to check on us...or him…yet they will miraculously appear once he is back!  Maybe I am not so selfish.  Maybe they are the selfish ones??  But others, those who have been there for us, will want to engage in the excitement of him being home...and I want that for them too!  

In some ways I blinked and almost 8 months have passed and in other ways it was like I could feel each second tick slowly by.  Time apart is a very funny thing...I almost forget what it is like to have him here.  I forget about having to accommodate another person, plan using someone else's schedule, and discuss my day verbally with another adult while having dinner.  I eat standing up, I come and go a million times a day, and I always know that I am coming home to an empty house, an empty bed, and no other car in the drive way.  When my kids are in bed, I clean, workout, and go to bed.  I forget what it is like to snuggle, to laugh with my husband, to be silly and to truly be happy...however I do not forget how all of those actions make me feel.  I know, now more than ever, the amazing impact that my husband has on me.  I will never forget how it feels to laugh uncontrollably with him, how it feels to talk about our deepest thoughts knowing that no judgement is passed, how it feels to get lost in his arms, and how it feels to be incredibly, outwardly, and obviously in love.  I am so close to experiencing all of those simple little life moments again and the thought of our "normal" is really how I do it.

Snow day

Although I have been absent in posting, I haven't been absent in writing.  I have a nice long blog in the works for those of you who have sent a request!  Until it's finished I will document our snow day here in Chesapeake.

I honesty didn't think we would get enough snow to even measure so the moment the flurries started Aiden and I put our coats on and enjoyed a few moments of frigid temps...

Before I went to bed I checked outside and it seemed as if the snow was over with no real accumulation.  On one of my walks up the stairs to feed Easton I peeked out the window only to see actual accumulation and what looked like very windy conditions.  Snow in Chesapeake = no school so we bundled up and headed out to play...

This weather is buddy's bread and butter ;-). He LOVES the snow.  I decided to put the old boy to work and call on his natural breed instincts.  He didn't miss a beat and entertained the kids with several sleigh rides!  In the midst of fun Aiden had a meltdown because he was cold.  I had little sympathy considering I pleaded with him to wear his north face mittens and he wanted to wear his cotton ones...cold hands=not my problem if you don't listen to mama

We took a little break from "the elements"...round 2 was so much more successful...

We met up with some other neighbors for a few rides down the hill

Warm hands = big smiles

And Easton enjoyed just hanging with Mommy...

And a brother picture actually happened! This was sent immediately to daddy

And, of course, what is a snow day without hot chocolate :-)

And yoga

 No school tomorrow due to the snow...here we go again!