Thursday, September 19, 2013

You're the heart...

I shared a portion of this story with some friends this evening and knew instantly that it was a moment that I never want to forget...

Often times I really wish I could get into the head of my 4 year old.  Not just when he has thrown himself on the floor for no apparent reason but more so for the times where I see him staring out the window deep in thought.  On rare occasions Aiden will give me an insight into his complicated little 4 year old mind and he never disappoints.

I don't wear the same necklace everyday.  I like to switch it up every now and again.  Easton is a grabber so there are days where it isn't even worth the hassle!  Two days ago I wore a necklace that has a lot of meaning to me...the necklace and heart charm were the first piece of jewelry I ever owned and given to me by someone incredibly special who is now watching from above.  The other 3 charms represent my family...

Yesterday as I was about to shower I took the necklace off and placed it on the counter.  After my shower, as I was getting ready, Aiden asked me what the gold was on the counter, obviously insinuating that it was "treasure" and that he wanted to play with it.  Here was how our conversation went...
A:  "Mommy, what is all this gold for?"
"That's my necklace"
A:  "Why are there so many pieces"
"Well they are called charms and each charm means something to Mommy"
A:  "How?"
This is an "A", what do you think that stands for?
A:  "Aiden"
"Yes, and this is an "E" which is for Easton and then a "leaf" which represents Daddy because his name is Leif."

After he mulled over my response in his brain for a few seconds he looked at me and said "don't forget the heart're the heart because you love us all". simple yet so deep!  It is true...I am the heart and I need to remember that!  While Daddy is away, I find myself incredibly overwhelmed with everything that needs to get done by just little old me and often I am filled with guilt.  Guilt because I have to always be the disciplinarian, guilt because I can't "be daddy", guilt because I have to say no and create boundaries, guilt because every waking moment is not fun and enriching, guilt because I honestly don't have all of the answers and guilt because I wish I did!  But what I do have is heart...a BIG one!  One that is devoted to my family and to making this journey a successful one.  A heart that breaks into a million pieces when Aiden asks if Daddy is coming home tonight or when I think of Easton not "knowing" Daddy when he gets home.  A heart that can be repaired with the simplest of expressions from my boys or a kind and encouraging email from my husband.  I go to bed every night wracking my brain...trying to determine where I went wrong today and what I can do better tomorrow!  I can't read Aiden's mind everyday but yesterday I didn't have to...what Aiden said reminded me that despite the daily frustrations that I may feel or my criticism of myself, Aiden knows that I am the heart and THAT is everything!!!

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