Tick tock...

Deployment time is knocking on the door and we are trying to be as prepared as possible and really make the most of our time with Daddy!

Some days I feel like my mind is a 1000 piece puzzle and I am desperate to find my 4 corners to make some sense of the madness!  I am pretty sure my "to-do" list will never end and I will continue to "provide" for Leif even when he is on deployment!  I am certain his shopping options are limited on a war ship :-). Along with my never ending list of things to do, I am dealing with some crazy emotions.  Some are selfish (what about me?) and some are heartbreaking (what about my kids?)!  Aiden asked the other day if "daddy was leaving forever"...NO!  But it is sure going to feel like it.  I am not 3 and I am having a hard time with it so I can only imagine what his little heart and mind are feeling!

I have done really well being strong and supportive but tonight I just couldn't stop the flood of tears.  I am not sure what it was...maybe I am overwhelmed with all of the "puzzle" pieces, maybe I am tired, scared, stressed, anxious, nervous????  Maybe it was the fact that Aiden looked at me tonight with Leif standing right next to him and said "mommy, is Daddy going to come home tomorrow?" Its likehe couldn't   bear to hear the news from Leif  so he asked me but I just felt a lump in my throat!  I don't want to answer those questions.  There are days where I can handle it and days where I can't!  Sometimes I feel like supermom and others I am just super scared!  I just don't want him to go but he is going!  I have to remind myself of a conversation I had with Aiden in the grocery store.  There is a difference between what we want and what we need!  Although we may want 5 boxes of fruit snacks, we don't need them!  I certainly don't want to recap my children's life in a daily email, I don't want Leif to watch them grow up through pictures I send each day, I don't want Easton to one day say "who is daddy", I don't want to have to hold my little boy as he sobs for Daddy...but I will because Leif needs me to!  I will complete the puzzle here on the home front because I need to for the sake of my family...I may not like it, enjoy it, or want to do the dirty work but I will do the best damn job I can...be mommy and daddy, snuggle and punish, teach them to be tough and kiss boos boos when needed...whatever it takes until Daddy gets home...

  

Tugging on the heartstrings...

As we approach deployment in just a matter days I find myself struggling with so many different emotions.  I find myself trying to prepare and analyze every little thing when the reality is, I might as well just throw a deck of cards into the air and see what lands where! Regardless of how much I prepare for this, one thing is for sure...my heart is not ready...and never will be!

Tonight at bedtime Aiden wanted me to put him down.  I explained to him that Daddy wanted to do it because he wasn't going to see him for a long time.  After trying to explain to him the concept of a year and months and distance and why we wouldn't be able to see daddy and why he can't just come home, Aiden said this..."mommy, when daddy is gone I don't think that I can talk about him". My response: "why". His:  "well because I know I will miss him too much so maybe I can just dream about him"...BROKE. MY. HEART!!!

We will dream about him, talk about him, think about him, and plan for his return!!! With each card I am dealt, I will figure it out!  But for tonight...he changed his mind and Daddy to put him to bed!

Thoughts on Friday!

There is so much going on in our lives right now.  So many things that I never want to forget and a few storms that I can not wait to pass!  Life isn't perfect but the good always out weighs the not so good!

While Leif was out for June, the boys and I took a little get away to see some friends and family.  It was the first time all of my friends met Easton and it was so nice of them to all make such an amazing effort to come meet our "little" guy!

I was able to attend my niece Kassidy's award ceremony where she received the top award...the words of her teacher left us all in tears....she is such an amazing young lady!

I was able to spend the day with my 2 favorite girls...there is nothing like playing with your cousins...I am thankful that my family feels the same way...we may not always see eye to eye but we are mature enough to look past our differences for the sake of our children!

The friendships I have are so amazing...My girl Christy and I have been friends since we were 8 years old.  Time and distance have been no match for our friendship!  I was so glad that I could attend her 30th birthday!  Given the chance, I would do anything for my real friends!!!

I took this picture the other day...there are so many things about this that I love.  His sweet innocence!  The chunky "michelin man arms".  The fact that he is sucking his thumb.  His sweet little belly.  How peaceful he is....THOSE CHEEKS!  I really can't believe how blessed I am....

These precious moments will fade quickly...Moments between brothers...the love and protection that Aiden shows for Easton.  The hugs, laughs, snuggles and silly faces!  I know that there will come a time when these laughs will turn to nagging little arguments but for now I cherish each and every beautiful moment between brothers

...even the questionable ones.

Summertime=pooltime....I am so proud of how far Aiden has come with his swimming!  My boy is fairly timid and to say that he is a fish in the water is a complete understatement!  This boy is obsessed with swimming!  Go Aiden Go!

I AM GOING TO MISS THIS MAN MORE THAN WORDS COULD EVER SAY...

The feelings that go along with deployment are tough...it's hard to enjoy these last few weeks together knowing that he will be leaving soon and will be gone for close to a year.  How do you enjoy a vacation that you are only taking because your husband is about to leave and travel into harms way????  I will miss him for so many reasons but everytime he comes home I am reminded that with or without kids...we still have it!  He still makes me laugh and I still get excited to see him!  I love him and need him not just for the help he gives me with the kids but also for the way he makes me feel about ME!!!!

Each of us has our own beliefs...I believe in the power of prayer...you may not!  Whatever you believe, may I ask a favor?  Please keep Aiden in your thoughts and/or prayers next week.  Right now we do not have a lot of details that we are ready to share but we are certainly praying for the best.  We will keep all of our loved ones updated once there is information to share but in the meantime just please pray for our sweet boy and for the best news possible during this stormy weather!

Happy Father's Day

We had an unconventional Father's Day considering Leif is out to sea and my dad has a weekly date with the golf course which I can not compete with...never have and never will be able to get him off the course!  So it was just me and the boys...ya know something a little different :-)

We got up early and checked out a new church, came home, made lunch, and spent over 3 hours at the pool! 

The best part of the day was a phone call from Leif.  It was so nice to hear his voice and to be able to wish him a Happy Fathers Day!  Although this is hard for us, I can't imagine how hard it is for him to have chosen such a selfless career, thrive at it, but ultimately have to sacrifice family time and memories for the sake of that career!  I can hear the stress, guilt, and worry in his voice and it breaks my heart!  He is such an amazing man and father.  He is supportive, helpful, thoughtful, and involved!  We are so blessed to have him and I am incredibly proud to be his wife!

BUT...yes, there is a "but"!  More and more I can see how this isn't for the weak!  I am incredibly sensitive and Unfortunately I have passed that on to Aiden!  Kids will be kids and they really don't understand but sometimes innocent observations can really hurt! 

Today at the pool a little boy said to Aiden "you can't go into the deep end because you don't have a daddy to go with you".  He obviously meant nothing by it, but it really got to me and I could see the light disappear from Aiden's face.  He was crushed!  Of course he has a daddy..in fact he has the best daddy ever!  I wanted to cry...for him, for me, for Leif, and even a little for the kid who has no idea how awesome Aiden's daddy is and really no idea how lucky he is to have his daddy in the deep end to catch him every day!

I did my best...I played Daddy in the deep end as often as I could!  I rocked Easton to sleep and caught Aiden as he jumped off the side...pushed "E" in the stroller and back into the pool with Aiden!  We had a really fun day and really made the most of a beautiful day...I may or may not have shed a few tears beneath my sunglasses...I'm only human!  I'm strong but sometimes very weak...I am all about life lessons but also torn between being real and being overprotective!  One of these days I will have more answers but right now I have a ton of questions and uncertainties!  One thing is for sure, my boys have am amazing daddy.  I pray that they are just like him when they get older...if my prayers are answered then all of the unanswered questions are worth it!

It takes a village...

Today, and many days, I find myself thinking of some of the small things that I am so incredibly thankful for.   Today, as I spent several hours shopping for all of Leif's deployment supplies, I thought of an expression that I have heard many times..."It takes a village"....for some reason, this expression really hit home!

I thought about the fact that I am only 1 person, sometimes stretching myself to the limits of several!

I thought about everything I accomplished today in a few hours alone while my in-laws played with my babies!

I thought about the girls in my life who constantly tell me that I am strong, superwoman, inspiring, and independent.  Those words often drive me to continue on...especially on the really hard days when I am tired and at the end of my patience.

I thought about the offers to help from so many people around me...the people who are willing to have me over, run to the store, play with my kids or even mow my grass.  The people who would give up a little family time, so that I am not alone.

I thought about the people who realize that every so often I need me time...not time to go party, drink or be selfish...but time to sit and stare at the wall, mop my floors, fold my laundry or shower in peace!

I thought about how sometimes. regardless of how stubborn I may be, I need help!  Standing in the attic today going through old baby clothes, I was reminded that without that person at the bottom of the ladder, I would not be able to get the boxes out of the attic...I simply needed help!

I thought about my family, although small, they will NOT let me fail.

I thought about all of the holidays that Leif is going to miss...and how I just "want to stay busy" and how hard that is going to be when everyone else is consumed with the hustle and bustle of halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years and I am just counting down the seconds until Daddy comes home.

I thought about the people who watch out for Aiden while I tend to Easton and those who listen for Easton while I tend to Aiden.

I thought about my in-laws offer to watch the boys while Leif and I have a dinner alone...they will be missing their son for almost a year but they respect the significance of the boys missing daddy and the depth of my being with out my partner for so long.

In all of this thought, I realized that throughout this "season" of our life we are truly experiencing how it "takes a village" to raise a family.  Even when I feel alone...I am not!  There are so many people on my side...looking out for me, looking out for my boys, and making sure that we succeed!

So, as I was immersed in 10 months worth of coffee, deodorant, tooth paste, shaving cream, razors, soap and shampoo...I KNOW that despite the fear, sadness, apprehension and stress that we are about to embark on..AGAIN, I am not alone!  I know, even in the bad times, that I have my village behind me and for that I am thankful!

Running partner...

It looks like I have a new running partner. Before my run today Aiden asked if he could run with me.  I told him that I would run halfway with him and Easton in the stroller and then he could run with me for the last half!  This boy doesn't forget anything!  On the way back he jumped out of the stroller and took off...

He turns around to me and says "I'll meet you at the house mommy" HA!  He did great until he saw the ice cream man...he hopped back in the stroller and kept saying "faster mommy faster".  It didn't help that when I got home I realized Aiden had filled the undercarriage of the stroller with broken up concrete blocks from the construction site on our street...apparently he thinks 2 kids in a double jogging stroller isn't enough!

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all of you wonderful Mommies out there!  I am so incredibly blessed to be the mommy to these 2 amazing boys...

BUT here is the truth about my Mother's Day....
I woke up this morning with a chip on my shoulder and a really bad attitude.  Yesterday was rough!  Leif is out to sea and Aiden was really missing his daddy which resulted in a very long day of clinging to my leg and lots of crying.  By the end of the night I was at the end of my rope.  After hearing Aiden beg for Daddy and me telling him that I wanted Daddy too, I sat down and had a pity party.  I was convinced that Mother's Day was going to be awful before it even began which is not my normal personality.  I even sent Leif an email about how awful it was going to be.  My biggest mistake was letting my mind get ahead of the times.  I began to think about everything that Leif is going to miss.  He will be gone for the majority of the next 2 months and then he will deploy for 8-10 months.  I let myself think about him missing Mother's Day, Father's Day, Labor day, our wedding anniversary, Aiden's birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentine's and possibly Easton's 1st Birthday...not to mention all of Easton's major milestones and the everyday events that happen with 2 kids.  Essentially, I let something that I can not control take control of my happiness and my emotions.  I had let myself be defeated and I was just fine with being a brat about it and letting it ruin my day.
Luckily, around 10 am I had a thought....not a good thought but a thought that whipped my whiney butt into shape.  I thought about a very sad but wise comment that Aiden made the last time Leif was gone.  He said "Mommy, when Daddy comes home are you going to be happy again".  The thought of that comment still puts a lump in my throat but it was that memory that changed my day!  I was spending too much time focusing on what I didn't have rather than what I did have.  I had selfishly overlooked what Mother's Day is about...being a Mom to my kids!  I decided to turn our day around and make it the greatest day ever.  No, I wasn't pampered.  I grilled my own lunch and ordered out dinner.  I had to do the dishes myself, change every diaper, fold 2 loads of laundry, and be mommy and daddy to 2 kids who are both needy in their own way.  But it was such a wonderful day....

We took silly pictures in the mirror and emailed them to Daddy...

We took a walk and fed the baby Geese...

We played soccer, went to the park, cleaned out my truck, and enjoyed the sunshine...

We had a water "squirter" fight with some of our buddies in the neighborhood...

Opened a sweet card that Daddy had hid for me to find in a drawer...

And Mommy learned a very valuable lesson, one that I have preached to others many times.  I am in control of my own happiness.  Today I made a choice when I woke up...I was going to hate the day!  Luckily, the good Lord snapped me out of it and I was able to find the good in the day and boy was it a good day!  I had let myself get lost in the fact that I would spend Mother's Day "alone" with out my husband or my mom while I knew other families were getting together and having fun.  I never want to be the type of Mommy that is "do as I say not as I do"...I want Aiden and Easton to know that even when things aren't ideal, even when we are sad or lonely, we can still perservere!  We can always find happiness...even in a yucky situation.  We missed Daddy today, and everyday, but I can honestly say that we made the best of today!!!  This next year is going to be harder than anything we have ever done.  My hope is that the next time I start planning a pity party someone pops my balloons really quickly.  I have so much to be thankful for and really no time to waste being selfish....

THIS is my reason to smile!

And this too